mid air ramblings.

“i’m sorry that i hurt your heart but that’s just the part that you’re playing in my autobiography.” – shwayze.

could there be a quote more aligned to me than this? it’s been so long since i posted a blog because i haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. (P.S. he’s a genius. by far one of my favorite musicians.)

it’s successful- i’ve made it. i’ve finished my first semester of college in new york. although they didn’t say it out loud, it’s not hard to see that people didn’t think i could make it. not only have I just finished one semester…i’ve become a new carmen. i know i keep posting blogs about this- about my changes as a person, but to be really honest, my changes have come to such a nirvana and high point that i really really couldn’t be any happier in life.

i have the best friends I could ask for. i have a boyfriend i’m truly falling for, something many people know is a huge step for me. it’s the first time in my life i really feel like i’m growing up, and although i depend on my friends for support and advice, i know i could do things on my own.

so as i’m sitting on the plane back to california, i am nothing but excited for the next month. fuck yeah, i’m gonna miss meagan and chessie and all the other girls. i’m gonna miss the long island accents (but it’ll be a nice break.) i’m gonna feel weird taking cars everywhere i go. it’s gonna be crazy to hang with berkeley and marymary on the opposite coast.

but back to the quote. thinking on the plane, i realized that all this time i’ve been waiting to change or to feel differently has been just another part of my life. it can’t happen all of a sudden because then it wouldn’t flow in a story. if i were to write an autobiography, i know who would guest star. i know who’s heart i would break, which friends would be shown dropping out of my life, and all the people who’ve stopped and truly cared about me. i don’t know, i don’t think i thank the people in my life enough. in my autobiography, you won’t be forgotten. the girls, the boys, the bosses and the teachers- they’d all play a part, big or small. every single person in my life has a part to play- and i’m playing a part in everyone else’s. if you really picture your life like this…i don’t know, it makes me really humbled and comforted knowing that each person is really in my life for a reason. it makes me appreciate everyone, even those i fight with or generally don’t like. it makes me realize that other people’s mistakes truly are displayed and interpreted to me so that i can learn from them.

so i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if you don’t like me or if i don’t like you.
i’m sorry if we’ve drifted, for whatever reason. but we’re each simply playing a role in each other’s lives. without me in yours or yours in mine- who knows what would be missing in your autobiography. a sentence…paragraph… page…chapter?

i have to pee really bad but want to finish this in one wind- they’re always better that way. i’m incredibly pleased with my story right now. my life is at that point of just absolute satisfaction. see you all soon- whether it’s home in california or back in new york. thanks for being in my life.




p.s. i hope you’re in for more than a chapter. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. for everyone else reading this…you’ll see the change when I come home. i’ve never been this happy, and i owe basically all of it to berkeley. this is it- what i thought i would never be capable of. fall in love. <3

it's crystal clear.

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question of the night.

how can i be so good at giving advice, but so bad at applying it to my own life?

valerinooo: cus you're the one that showed me that love is possible









i thought college would really change things. have i changed at all?

the best therapy.

1.I’ll never be able to thank you enough for telling me to come to NY.
2.I don’t know you, but I am so so so sorry.
3.I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive you for how you judged me. My one goal now is to ensure you’re never ever ever right.
4.It was exactly two years on September 23. Did you even remember?
5.You never call.
6.I’m tired of listening to the problems that you have, only because you created them for yourself and you’re not the least bit willing to be involved in fixing them. Really, grow a pair.
7.Why do you have a girlfriend?! Maybe it’s better that way…I haven’t liked someone this much in a seriously long time.
8.I wonder if you have an inch of good in you. Or if everything you said was just total crap.
9.Please be my soulmate. Hahaha no but really.
10.She doesn’t want you! And you’re not funny.
11.Who knew my other half would be from some crazy east coast little town and have a wicked crazy accent? One word: hmm!
12.Stop judging me!!!! Actually, I could care less. Haha.
13.Thank god for webcams. I couldn’t live without seeing your face. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I value your opinion so much. I’m so glad we’re okay with being 3000 miles apart.
14.Its guys like you who ruin it for everyone. If I ever see you again, I’ll punch you.
15.If you didn’t act like such an asshole, you could have anyone you wanted.
16.Do you know that everyone I know thinks you’re a giant whore? It’s sad that we’ve only been here a month and you’ve already gotten the worst reputation.
17.If you were an ounce cuter, I’d be soooooooooo down. You’re like the funniest person I’ve ever met.
18.I only pretend to not know how you really feel.
19.Please get married. You’re like the cutest thing ever.
20.Why do I miss you so much? We didn’t even talk before I left. Are you still bitter or do you just not care?
21.I want to like you, but there’s nothing there. And you were fun until last night.
22.I’m being serious. I’m the biggest bitch you know. Give up!
23.I miss our good talks. Giving you advice always made me feel like I have a better grip on life than I really do. I’ll never forget that night we sat in the park and talked for hours. Hmm, I miss you. You almost cried when I left, and it meant so much to me.
24.If you really did get cancer, I’d be devastated. Please stop while you can…
25.If you weren’t so clingy, you’d have way more friends.
26.You disgust me, and I hope during basketball season karma knocks you over.
27.I think you know all my secrets and you judge me. Really though, I can’t blame you.
28.I thought I was going to hate you, but it turns out you’re going to be one of my best friends. Thanks for proving me wrong.
29.We peaked.

dear california,

i feel like i owe you an explanation.
so many people from home are saying,
"i'm worried about you...."

here's my train of thought when this phrase comes up.

first i think of chessie's saying- "i'm a grown ass woman! i do what i want!" but let's be real...i may live on my own, but i'm not really a grown ass woman. i do do what i want...and i fully realize i don't make the best decisions.

but you don't need to worry. i like that you worry, because it means you care...but i don't know how to explain myself because in my mind, i'm completely justified.

don't worry about me, california. we keep each other in check here . i have 3 mommies and they have me. i'll survive.

with love,
miss "stay out until 4 am"

dear california,

i miss you so much.
there's days where i feel like i can't stay here anymore. i want to come home. i want to see your faces.

christmas break is too far away.

i miss grilled cheese from in-n-out, hot cheetos, spitting seeds, the beach, seeing the sun for extended periods of time, hooker hunting, being in cars, kiis fm, mexican food, marble slab, friends, my dog, my bed, familiar faces...

i hope you're right how i need you to be when i come home to you, california.

with love,
miss homesick

dear california,

i'm happy here, i really am.
i don't feel like i'm learning that much in school..except for maybe psychology.

but life? learning oodles.

like the way leaves change color during fall,
and the words yo and mad.
like how deja vu is a big lie,
and the fastest ways to get rid of hickeys.
like self control,
and how to not die while in the south bronx.
like how to walk everywhere i need to go,
and that the best comfort food is top ramen.

it's funny when all the tall buildings in manhattan make me lose any bits of homesickness i've ever had.

oh yes, this is definitely the place i'm meant to be.

california, don't forget about me. but don't wait for me either. i like it too much here to leave.

with love,
carmen.

because nothing is EVER that simple.

can a kiss just be a kiss? a cuddle...just be a cuddle?

i really used to think so. but it's getting harder and harder to believe that.


and no, nothing is ever that simple. yes and no...black and white, it just doesn't work.



i'm coming to terms with the fact that i am attracted to all the wrong types of boys. boys who are assholes, liars, have girlfriends...oh, you know. a day in the life..

first ny blog.

awwwww. new home. new friends. new life.

why do i feel like i'm having the same problems? i mean, i guess it's not a new me, but the new experiences and new situations made me feel bound to make a change.

i'm just gonna say what i need to say. i'm not going to my discover new york class because i don't feel good, it's pouring rain, and the class is ridiculously pointless anyhow.

i think i've forgotten how to like boys. no no, thats not saying i like girls (hahahah) but i honestly don't remember liking someone and thinking, hmm, i want a relationship. now in general, i at least like the idea of a relationship. but it's a mixture of having such little faith in the goodness of boys and just not trusting them, and me being so closed about opening up that i'm left making somewhat bad decisions and not getting to know people. i don't regret anything i've done here and i don't plan on regretting anything. but even the boy that said, don't worry carmen, you have it all- you came to new york, and you just found a nice boy- screwed me over like less than 24 hours later. hahaha. am i so blind that i pick such the wrong people? or is the right person right under my nose?

as much as this is college and not high school, it feels same in the sense that i feel like i know so many people's business. word does travel fast, probably because we all live together. i really really really need to try and erase whatever bad reputation i've started to make for myself. it's funny how people in california and people in new york are seeing two different sides of me. it's not like i'm completely different but i'm most definitely not the same.

i've lost my train of thought by the overpoweing ache of my stomach, haha.


i need serious help.

"keep me signed in for two weeks unless i sign out...."

my two weeks were up today, and when i filled in my password to yahoo email i realized it's gonna be the last time i do it on this computer.

yeah. exactly two weeks until i leave (considering it's now sunday).

it's little things like that, though, that remind me of the reality.
in fact, when i think about, it's always the little things.

my party today didn't make me realize that i might not see some of those people before i leave. it didn't make new york seem any significant amount closer. valerie's card did , though, with the poem on the front...made me tear up and realize things won't ever be the same.

i've been meaning to talk about work. i fucking love that job. troy and mer are seriously...how do i explain them...my inspiration. if i could choose parents to be like, it's them. i don't even know. it's little things like the email she sent me of the kids...i'm gonna miss. there's so few days...

it's little things like online conversations with harris, claire...and so many other people. will those stop after i leave? fuck, i hope not.

on a new topic, it's the little things that make me happy. valerie's card, familiar hugs, text messages, deep conversations, getting ready for work, falling for troy's stupid jokes, giving free cookies to little kids, sleepovers, letters from cody...

things like those make me forget all the bad stuff. the things that make me so frustrated, angry, sad.

things like...not getting any presents from my parents on my birthday or being forgotten by people i care about or cody being so far away or doing dishes at work when troy puts on sad music. things that make me cry and things that make me think harder than i really want to.

but the bad moments being written over by all the good ones...that's what i'm focusing on. it's weird, putting on my mascara yesterday getting ready for work...i just looked in the mirror and realized there's not enough time in my life to be bitter and angry and "hating" life...although i never actually hate it, just the way i always threaten to punch people but never do (haha). and of course, today, that didn't stop me from getting super annoyed at my mom for trivial things, but then i closed my eyes for 5 seconds and just thought about how few days i have left here...

keep me signed in until i sign out. this may be stretching it...but it sounds like a pretty good analogy to all my friends. i don't have the energy to go into depth...i'm sure you get it.


ps. i need to think of a clever goodbye. i'm tempted to gossip girl this shit...
xoxo,
CARMEN! <3
(hahaha)

to b:

I know you have it hard sometimes,
Don't let the bad things rule your life.
Sit back and watch your life take flight,
You're just so young,
You have the time, the time

Thanks for being here my friend
Here with me, 'til the very end of time,
We're gonna do this one together.

-yellow birds & coalmines, the scene aesthetic.










i can't even express how thankful i am for you.

ironies of life.

the title was originally where do i even begin?
but then i realized, i'm writing about an ending. yeah, a beginning too, one that i'm so insanely ecstatic for. there's just these little things that are stringing me away from my happiness. that was irony number one.

i don't know if this is irony, mostly because i'm tired and sad and excited and nothing really makes sense. but i thought this summer was going to be sooo different. it makes me so sad to see the 3 of them without me, even though i guess i don't really belong. i feel like no matter how hard i would try, they still don't want me as a part of that anymore. it's so weird to think that my intentions for things that have happened come across so differently than i intend them too. like i think i'm protecting someone, and helping them, and i sort of break other friendships because of it. i miss the four of us, and i see that i'm replaced. it doesn't bother me most of the time.

i think that happens a lot. my intentions reading as bitchiness. should i just flat out be a bitch, and only cover my own ass? people don't see how much i hurt. i choose to hide it, i guess, so maybe it's really all my fault. but i'm pretty sure i can count like a dozen people who i've gone out of my way to help and then just read that as leading them on, or breaking their heart, or being a giant bitch.

but back to the ironies.

so i thought this summer would be full of adventures, parties, excitement. it's my last chance with my best friends to get everything i wanted to do here done. but i've found myself much happier spending somewhat quiet nights with my best friend. we don't have to get dressed up, go out, etc. i miss out on stuff but i'm pretty much totally okay with it. i'll have so much time in new york to do all of that, with the new friends i make. but there's still some of me that wants these crazy memories from this summer. i don't want to look back and be like, wait...what did i do that summer? there's things i totally want to try but i'm running out of time.

another irony. there's days where i sit at home, sleep in late, do nothing all day because everyone else already has plans. it makes me want to leave. but then there's days where it's back to back activities, where im freaking out because i want to do it all.

i think this ramble is making less sense as time goes on.i apologize if you're actually choosing to read this...haha.

i miss cody so much. like...fuck. he called me and it was seriously so amazing, but i didn't know what to say. i'm not allowed to tell him i miss him, but i don't want to make him think i don't. i don't even know anymore, it's all so confusing.

i wonder a lot about who i'm actually going to talk to after i leave. who's gonna make an effort? i'm totally down to...but there's no way i'm going to try harder than you. it won't be worth it.

i think i'm afraid of changing so much that when i get back i'm totally imcompatible with all the people i love here. how much do i want to stay the same, though? that's what college is about, finding you and changing and molding and shaping the rest of your life. fuck i'm excited.

i can't remember the rest of my ironies. there were too many to hold in at once.


ps. you know what's funny? i had no idea that so many people read this. it makes me feel wanted in a creepy, satisfying way. as if these rambles actually made sense to someone else. ha. who am i kidding.
but really, thank you for listening.

eye for an eye.

24 days until i leave. 24 statements.

1. you've made such a big impact on things here. i'm sad i didn't really notice that until you were gone. just know that there's so many people here who love you. you two will be fine, i know it. you are an amazing person inside and out and i'm really glad i got to know you.
2. it took all the strength in the world to not say what i wanted to tell you. i miss you so much. hopefully i'll let you know that.
3. i'm finally ready to listen to your advice- i am listening to your advice. but i think it's too late. i feel like you don't care that much.
4. i wish i could tell you. i know it's better not to. i miss you more than you could ever know. but you'll never ever know.
5. i honestly can't imagine my life without you, and if we drift apart once i leave, i don't know what i'm going to do. you're the best best bestest friend i could ever ask for. i fucking love everything about you.
6. i don't know what it is about you, but you've got me insanely interested.
7. i'm secretly glad you didn't pass.
8. i wish you knew how much you were hurting him, although i know a lot of it is his tendency to overanalyze. you could change your ways...it's not that hard.
9. ....you smell really bad but i don't think anyone's ever had the heart to tell you.
10. please don't break up.
11. your secret is the one secret i think i've literally never ever ever told anyone in my whole entire life. i'll never forget how much you telling me that meant to me. i don't think you'll know this is about you. while i'm at it, you inspire me so much..you have so much potential and your words carry such importance in my life.
12. if i wasn't leaving, i would totally date you! hahah.
13. it feels good that i don't miss you. i knew i didn't need you.
14. you're the best kisser i've ever kissed. who would have known.
15. i will always be here for you, and i hope 3000 miles won't end the amazing friendship we have. you're so much younger but i never even realize it when we hang out or talk.
16. you're so alike me it's kind of scary. i just hope you can look at my mistakes and learn from them, because i can see where youre headed, but i know you have to figure it out for yourself. but the answer is yes, choose him. give it a shot.
17. your work ethic makes me lose a LOT of respect for you. stop using it as an excuse.
18. everything you said to me about making this count was a bunch of crap. ha, wow. i should have seen it but i didn't. i'm not mad, just disappointed. you have a lot of wasted potential.
19. i kinda didn't believe you, but once i saw the proof...wow. i admire you so much- you're so strong and you're such a good person. i just wish you weren't a drama queen...but you'll be okay.
20. please please please tell me that was not a date!
21. we should totally become like best friends!
22. i like how you all hung out without me. if you really don't like me...can't you just tell me? hahah wow. people like you make me so glad i'm going to new york.
23. please don't turn into the whore you're totally capable of being. cmon, you could do so much better. we talked about this. you know it's wrong. you're young but not that young.
24. you're a total creep. hahahah but really.


this is the ultimate countdown,
3 weeks till i leave.
1 week until i'm LEGAL!

the older i get,

the more i believe in my incapability to sustain a relationship.



i wish i could write poetry, i think it would feel so much more meaningful than my incoherent rambles.


i think i'll start trying.

the bucket list.

honestly one of the best movies i've seen in a while. it really affected me, and at first i couldn't figure out why. i decided i would make my own "bucket list." i know i have a long time (well, i would hope) before i die..so i kind of modified what i want to do.

i want to thank all the people who've affected me in indescribable ways. my whole life is honestly due to so many people and the way they've treated me- good or bad. there's so many people i owe my happiness and success to.

i wish i could thank you all, right now. it's my goal to do that for you before i leave.

i can't believe the day is here

he's gone. he's gone.

i'm trying to repeat it so it'll fully sink in. fully sink in that today could have been the last time i'll ever see him. i wish i had made it more memorable, but i guess it was memorable in the sense that it felt nothing has changed between us. through all the changes, moves, heartbreaks, arguements, distance...we sat and played rock band as if we had all the time in the world.

it started to really hit me on the walk home. my sandal crunched on some leaves and i looked up at him- his skinny, scrawny, super tall physique, and i realized that this was the last time i would ever see him like that. last time we'll ever hang out in the summertime, living around the corner from each other.

i miss him already.

and as tears were streaming down my cheeks, pressed against his too short shirt and his awkward body, i felt so destructed but so comforted. there's no one like him. no one. i don't know what i'm gonna do without him.

it's funny that i say that. because really, he's not constantly here. we don't talk every day, i don't see him for weeks or months at a time. but he's always...just around the block. it's that comfort, knowing he's there. since i met him he's had these plans...but they've never felt alive or remotely near. and now they're here...they're in the moment and they're soooo tangible. and i don't have anything to say?

i can't believe the day is here. i can't believe this was my last chance to say everything i should have said, and i just cried, as if my tears would hold my words in small bubbles and release them for him to understand. i can't believe things aren't always gonna be the same. i can't believe this is the first time i really feel like i'm getting old, growing up.

our last hug was the first time he'd ever felt nervous about leaving. our last hug, our last goodbye. is it for now or forever?

i wrote this on my arm

to remember to write it down.


“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
–Walt Disney











keep moving forward.

i'm writing

not necessarily because i have something to say...well i do...but i'm writing because i need to document these days. i want to hold these memories...but i don't really know what to do with them because they're not affecting me in the way i know they should be.

well that's misleading. i am being affected. crying, the like. but it hasn't hit me. i'm afraid it won't hit me until i'm on the plane to new york...and by that time it'll be too late to fix anything i want to. i mean, here's my chance, my last few days...and i forget to take my camera out of my bag and take pictures.

i need proof!!!

i need proof that i've had an amazing time in high school, despite all the drama and cliques and stress. i need proof that these people will stay in my life, and if they don't, i need proof that they did once exist. i need proof that you like me. i need proof that i'll be okay in new york. i need proof that i won't forget all these people, these memories, these times. i need proof.

memories that only exist in your head fade. they don't necessarily lose importance or value, but more vivid and recent memories fill their place and they're soon forgotten. i don't want that to be me. i want to sit here, 4 years from now, graduating from college, and know exactly the way i felt about the people i love today. there's so many of you. i wish i could explain in words how hard i know this is going to be. because unlike most of you, i really do have to say goodbye. 3000 miles will seperate us and things CANT be exactly the same as they are now. that's what makes it hard, too. all my best friends (not ALL, just most) are staying here. i'm slightly jealous...not that they'll be hanging out every day or anything..but it's just the comfort of having someone close.

back to my original thought. i want to record these memories. so they don't fade. so they stay as bright, vivid, and meaningful as they are now.
tonight was senior sunset. it was an amazing night, despite my not feeling good and the horrible bus driver. open mic was truly incredible. so much of what you all said is so right, so true. so alive.

jillian said it perfectly. (not verbatim...) "...i don't know why i made the decision to go 3000 miles away from the most amazing people in the world, but i did." and like jillian, i don't regret choosing st. johns. i think its what i need, what i want, and what's best. it's just that date when i have to say goodbye that scares me. i'm afraid of getting left in the dark. being somewhat forgotten. coming back and no longer fitting in. but i AM going. things ARE going to change, and i'm mostly okay with that.

so many other people had such wonderful, insightful, and amazing things to say. vincent always is a favorite of mine. jenelle's was dead on and kelee's so true. anabel, stunning. rebekah, beautiful. chuck & ivan's...deep and thoroughly enjoyable.

and the time i spent with people. catching up with abel, reminiscing with curt, the bus ride with brenda. to name a few. it's all so surreal, and i'm waiting for it to hit me. there's so many words i could use to describe sunset. but i'll leave it at this.

senior sunset? unforgettable.

immersion

i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i'm afraid of immersing myself in you.












(ps. i liked it better when you didn't trust me.)

reflection part two

there's so many things i want to say to so many people. i wish i was strong enough to tell them all to their faces. well, hopefully i'll get to some of them.



1. where do i start? it hurts just thinking about it. where did we go? why did we change? could it have been prevented? it hurts to think that you can't tell me things, because we used to be so above that crap. it hurts because i know for a fact you lied to me. the sad thing is, i can sort of pinpoint a day where things started to change. really? because of a boy you didn't think i should give a chance? is that the breaking point for us? i hope this summer fixes us, somehow.

2. you-you hurt too. i know you're bitter. but god, do i miss us. i thought i would never mention you in a blog again, but you stay consistently in my life just enough for me to miss your presence. oh, and by the way...yeah, you could do way better. it's weird to think that SHE came after me. ick.

3. i hope this works out. who am i kidding? you know me, i know me. it probably won't. if only, if only...

4. i hated finding out today that your motives aren't what i thought they were. you made me cry. or i made me cry..i think i might have made up this great idea of what i thought you were, and how you felt..and when you said you couldn't live without me i believed you. but now that you know how i feel, you don't have time for me. i'm disappointed.

5. what the fuck would i do without you? really? WOW.


i'll continue these later.

reflection part one.

i'm going to try to reflect on each part of my life. i want to freeze time, and record how i'm feeling...so i can look back and remember my senior year for what it was.


BOYS.

when are they not a part of my life?

i've come to realize that there's a different classification for the boys i..yeah. date? no, that's not the word. whatever it is..none of them are remotely the same. which is weird, you'd think i had a type or something. so the classifications go as follows, no specific order....

The "i'm happy if you're happy" boy. oh, this boy. he's like..head over heels. i don't have faith in head over heels, so i remain grounded and unchanged. yeah, i have feelings. i choose not to act on them. i turn away from his persistence and i feel guilty, but i don't want to lead him on. he tells me, "but carmen, if you're happy, then i'm happy!" i know it's a lie, because the bitter period that follows the harsh let-go is solid proof. i miss this boy. i wish it could have turned back into the friendship it started out as. this boy, he was too trusting. i knew i would break him and i tried to warn him. he, of course, was blinded.

then there's the "you're so out of my league, carmen" boy. flattery is his middle name, which, coincidentally, i don't take well. it's not that i think i'm in a higher league, but i sort of know from the start that it's not really going to work. i want to prove myself wrong, i want to show my "best friend" that phases are breakable. (i fail, btw) this boy really tries. he's cheesy but it's oh so endearing. emotional, which i could do without but it's easy getting used to. i think that's the problem, i get used to them. and then, there's no excitement, no flame..no desire or motivation for commitment. and it dies. once again, i'm proved correct. i break another heart, which leaves me...whats the word? brokenhearted?

i can't ever forget the "i'll do anything for you, i love you" boy. who's leaving. i'm leaving. sounds impossible, then, right? try explaining that to him, him who, at 18, thinks he has his whole life planned out for him, including marrying me. uhhh. do you know how i work? i can't stay committed for a month- and you're talking about life?! it sounds ridiculous, and i want to laugh. but i don't because it's sad. you'd be so much better, have a much higher shot, if you could just tone it down. no, you don't need to freak out if i don't text you back in two minutes. no, you don't need to feel guilty for my actions OR make me feel guilty for things i've already paid my dues to. this is the same boy who missed a chunk of my life- and thinks that i haven't changed. there's so much he doesn't know about me, and he doesn't really want to know. i know he'd be disappointed. i know it's a lost cause, he's a lost, ignorant, sweet cause- but i can't help it. his all important, ultimatum question sticks out in my mind, and it's on constant repeat. "what if we're soulmates? and you're turning me down?"

there's always been the "call you randomly and insert myself back into your life" boy. will he ever really go away? most likely not. can i blame him? no. i wouldn't say he's hooked, like the other two were. it's more like, he can call and we can play this stupid game of calling each other jerk and ass, but i never really get mad. and i can't lie, i don't mind the attention. and he, of course, enjoys giving it out. it works perfectly, except when it comes at the most inconvenient times. which, ever so conveniently, always seems to happen. this boy has been the cause of interruptions in more than one case. i suppose it never ends healthy, but he's always an option.

and now i'd like to present to you.. the "i don't trust you because i'm too smart to fall for the fact that you do this to every boy" boy. and yet, he falls. but the thing is, there's a catch. i haven't gotten bored yet. haven't talked myself out of the situation. there's been doubt and speculation, but for some reason, my gut is contradicting my common sense. yeah, i'm leaving in three fucking months. but i'm spell bound. perhaps it's only momentary. i guess i'll just have to wait to find out. but what intrigues me about this boy is that he's different. unlike the above three boys described, he doesn't trust me. he's skeptical, and he thinks im going to break him...or that i'm going to try. i want to prove him wrong. karma, this isn't the time. is history repeating itself,or could this be it?


i feel like i just wrote a classification essay for spencer. haha. irony! ...you probably didn't get it.



ps. i found the tattoo i want. =]

analogies of life.

it's easier than speaking truth, really.

well, pretty much, i can't stop thinking. there's so many things on my mind lately. i feel like i have so much to say, but i never know how to word it so it doesn't come out bitchy and insensitive. blah.

this is how much im thinking. okay.. like, you know those cuts you get that when the bacteria hits it the bacteria starts like multiplying and shit by the billions? that's my thought process right now. i start to think of one thing, one person, one problem...and then my mind is racing and i can't stop...

i need to just write it all down. express it? whatever.


- i don't want to like you. please don't be the one i fall for. please..and above all, please don't fall for me if i decide i don't like you. this is amazing, but i can see it ending badly. and i so desperately don't want that.
- what would i do without lists!?
- the more you become obsessed, the less i want you. really. stop. i love you but i'm pretty sure the more i think about, the more i realize you are sooooo not right for me. but i don't think i'll ever work up the courage to tell you that..
- WHERE ARE YOU. we don't talk...you're supposed to be my best friend. i want to talk to you...but i'm so afraid you're either going to get mad at me or get really defensive. i don't want to fight. i want my best friend back.
- stop acting like a personality-less person around us. really? maybe you think you're getting away with it...but you're most definitely not.
- why?!?!?!?!?!?
- am i making the right choices? ...is this really what i want? well i freaking hope so, because its set in stone now.
- why do i miss you so much? it's not even the want what i can't have..but i miss you. and i'm pretty sure you hate me.



why do you read these? really..they're a waste of time.

goodnight.



ps, analogies of love > realities of love.
just fyi.

blurry.

i don't know why i care, really. but this is so hurtful right now...am i just being moody? probably.

you're not attractive...at all.

when you move to NY, please dont vist. none of us will miss you when you leave oxford. in fact, our school will be a better place without you.

please cut your hair. it looks gross.

you're laugh makes me want to punch a baby.

you're fake and you pretend to be things that you arent so that they'll like you more. its not working.

its almost funny how many people who you think are your friends actually hate you.

you make really good brownies.

is this the long awaited truth? i don't know what to think.

in general though, i'm pretty ready to leave oxford. all this cheating drama, it really makes me lose so much respect for our class. we used to be the best - and everyone thought it. but now we're worse than everyone. i don't know how to even explain it.

so weird, i haven't posted a blog in forever. it's alot easier to not need to post a blog when you have someone who's this willing to listen. i think i've met my match, at least in some respects. and i'm not even getting bored. sweeeet.

i want this to be a happy post. but i can't make it one.


i'm scared shitless.

it feels so right

to be here with you.
and now, as i look into your eyes,
i feel in my heart-
the start of something...
old.


the feelings come rushing back.
i've never felt more at home, more comfortable.
he's my one and only, everlasting,
best friend forever.


a marine veteran came up to him last night and said,
"boy, nothing i can say will ever prepare you for the 13 weeks of boot camp you're about to experience. but can i give you one piece of advice?
you better write to your girl every god damn day."

and he replied,
"of course sir."

then the marine looked at me and said,
"and you better fucking write back."








this won't be the end of us.

it's over.

i'm sad. but i think it's what you need.







googling "vegetarian" always makes me feel better.


new life goal? i think so!



(bottom picture)
& it reads: "you must be the change you wish to see in the world." genius.

sitting wishing waiting.

SITTING.
as i sit here, i'm realzing how many people don't really know who i am.

i mean...i guess i don't fully know who i am, either, but i'm starting to realize that so many people see me for things i am not.

ex: my dad thinks i do drugs.
RIGHT. because if you really knew me...

ex: my mom thinks im anorexic.
...really?

ex: cody thinks im so wholesome.
=/


i don't know what to make of this.
am i sending mixed signals or am i surrounded by blind people?

WISHING.

1. i want us to be done, but i can't seem to finish it off. i don't know if i want to. i wish you knew how i really really feel.
2. i want to see you more, regardless of what you think. i wish i could let you into my life completely, but i know you won't understand or know the person i've become. i wish you knew the real me, and i wish i would feel comfortable with you knowing.
3. i want us to go back to normal. i wish you knew that i miss you.
4. you...i wish you knew i existed. all those months..and look where we are. i wish you knew my feelings were sincere.

WAITING.

i'm excited for:
marble slab! graduation! summer! saturday! yearbook signing! college shopping!

i'm not looking forward to:
june 23. =/

i don't know what to make of:
college- aug. 22
graduation- june 16
changing relationships- how can i be sure it's for the better?


sitting wishing waiting.
how i love jack johnson.

to judge or not to judge.

when is it okay to judge?

well maybe i should rephrase that. because regardless of whether it's okay, i do it. you do it. we ALL judge, constantly. but at a certain point, at a bump in the road, we make the decision to stop judging someone and actually get to know them. this can come after 5 seconds of meeting them, or it can be after 5 years of sitting next to them in school. what makes us decide to put the judging microscope (claw, binoculars, telescope....whatever) down and really find out about a person?

so when you call me a junior. i think to myself that maybe you just haven't hitten that bump yet...that you're still judging. as much as it makes me mad, can i really blame you? it's not anyone's fault that we move at different paces of judgmental cycles. maybe you'll never see these people in the same way i do. and that's okay, isn't it?



although it's socially accepted to judge...i think there's a point where it's just plain old fucking immature. i'm not talking about anyone specifically, but honestly. what made you so great that you can judge unrelentlessly? what makes you better than everyone else, that you're the ultimate "judger"?


no way.








on a completely unrelated note...

it hurts me that i've been replaced. i hope it's not who i think it is, because i don't want to see you hurt again the way i hurt you.

ps. take a hint. i'm not over you.

moment of truth?

________:cuz u seem like the chick
________:that changes guys like clothes




am i that obvious?

equivalent to an a-bomb.

i think too much. i'm starting to think more than raghav, and if you know raghav....


i'm trying my best to put my thoughts into words, so you'll have to bear with me if it's not totally coherent.

i've realized that i've come to a point in my life where i just want to have fun. no strings attached, even though i'm drowning in strings at the moment. i'm so indecisive that i can't stick to one person. besides the fears i have of being with only one.

i'm not even only talking about boys here. i mean, is it better to have 1 best friend or 10? i'd love if the world worked to that i only needed one best friend, but, unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that one person cannot satisfy your every need. and that's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. i need more than one person in my life, and i can't feel like i have to choose one over the other all the time. i'd love to have 10 best friends that i spent equal amounts of time with.

okay now i'm talking about boys. how could you desire to just want one person, and not be tempted by the rest? it doesn't even matter if you ACT on these temptations. i should mention here that i have zero self control when it comes to this. i don't usually act on temptations, but i can't stop myself from having them. i can't stay tied down to one person because the last thing in the world i want is to feel restricted. I'M FREE. now why doesn't the rest of the world understand that?

it's pretty clear at this point that i'm heartless. i have emotions, yes, lots of them. but i've lost the ability to read these emotions for what they're worth. i can't tell the distinction between "just friends" and something more. i don't know what i want until it's long, long gone. this is a horrible, horrible cycle. i mean, how many times am i gonna repeat this before karma catches up to me? and at this point, heartless as i am, my perspective is pretty selfless. my thoughts are dominated by what will hurt him LEAST, because i know it's my nature and it's my heartless actions to hurt him.

this heartlessness is what i can't get off my mind. i'm so self-destructive, which is obviously a problem. but the bigger problem is that i'm not only hurting me. i'm hurting him, whoever him may be... i'm hurting them time after time. i'm addicted to the cycle, as much as i hate it. i'm destructive beyond belief.


how many times do i have to warn you?

spring break!

i decided to journal my break. just to remember.
(it's not for you, i'm too selfish.)


friday: brenda takes me home. i love riding in her car with the top down. haha. i get home, go shopping with my mom for a little bit. got a pair of shorts. i get home, and cody's in my house. gives me a letter. i get ready for my job interview and then we drive to westminster. i get the job!!!! go back home, read the letter... don't really feel like doing anything after that. i go to bed pretty early.

saturday: wake up, do chores. boring stuff. then i walk to cody's. it was weird since i don't normally walk around my neighborhood. plus my phone was playing music and people were sort of staring... i get there, sit down. play computer games with austin. watch titanic with cody. watch marine tributes on youtube. he walks me home, and we talk alot about the marines. i'll post a whole blog about that later... anyway, then my sister and her boyfriend come to visit. we go to this crazy good restaurant called tokyo wako...kinda like beni hana's i guess. super tasty, i'd love to go there for prom. get home from that, go to bed right away. food coma!

sunday: wake up as my sister and her boyfriend and ronnie leave for legoland. i'm lazy, turn on my computer, sort of apply for scholarships all day. at like 2 i started cleaning and decorating my room with more picture frames i got. don't shower and get dressed till like 6. sister and company come back, we go to eat at katella deli. my dad wanted pofolks and i wanted chipolte. haha. katella deli was good though, i love playing with ruth's iphone. lucky butt! so then we go back home and i go online, watch some top model. ernie calls and i go to hang out with him. we see enchanted. good movie! talk online until all hours of the night...i'm not tired.

monday: woke up, ate a really good bagel from katella deli. then i go online...and talk to people. you know, destroy lives, the usual. haha aww. finally get ready for work like 2 minutes before i'm supposed to leave. go to work. i love talking and not working. after work i get home and i'm immediately bored. so i go to april's house. we talk and wait for brenda. brenda comes, we can't decide what to do. brenda wants cookie dough so we drive to ralph's. we get there and don't end up getting cookie dough. decide we want to go bowling. we go to april's, get socks and drinks, then bowling. super fun! there was a really cute boy...we first thought he was gay, then his girlfriend showed up...haha. brenda takes me home and we sit outside talking for a while. get inside, go online. go to bed.

tuesday: wake up, ate a bowl of granola. go online. super unproductive but oh well. get ready for work at the last minute again. work sucks balls when fun people aren't there. stupid fat girls are NO fun. anyway, i get off work kinda late. go to target with my mom to get stuff for gs. i see tiger gatorade. hahah. and i get this 60 pack of gum. mmm. get home. go back online. kind of a boring day... boo. i was supposed to see rocket summer but that didn't happen. =[

wednesday: wake up. clean room, do crap. go online for a little. then work. not as painful as tuesday, but not fun. get off like right on time. eat in the car. i hate gnocchi. or whatever that's called. looks like cockroaches haha. go to my meeting. it's eh. leave my meeting and go to april's. they're in the car waiting for me. valerie has to be home early, so we just drive around and do nothing, then sit in her driveway and talk. she leaves. me brenda and april go to the gas station. adventure, of course. then we go see doomsday. OKAY, BEST MOVIE EVER! hahaha we leave and want to start a rebellion/ kill the world. put the top down, and we drive...blasting music, dancing. i love being a senior. then hooker hunting! we find two. then we complete the night by getting mcdonalds and going home.

thursday: so me and april don't wake up until like 11. then we stay in bed until like 330, watching re runs of old shows. anabel calls and we go to downtown disney. jamba juice. the lego store. libby liu. fun fun. we go back to april's. i get picked up a little later. i really want to do something cuz i'm already bored after being home for like 10 minutes. i get the laptop taken away. =[ i call melinda, she comes over. we watch juno (my 5th time seeing it =]) and talk until like 130. sleep time.

friday: get up, slowly get ready. like at 12 we take melinda home. my mom says i can get my ears pierced, but we're making other stops first. so we do a bunch of stuff. i get two new dresses and a pair of gray skinny jeans. text all day long. my mom changes her mind and i don't get my ears pierced. ruins my mood. get home, go on the computer.

...and the week continues.

first impressions.

this weekend has been one of the most fun i've ever had.
also extremely eye-opening on where i stand in life.


for friday night. first impressions. i never thought about how extremely important they are. i mean, okay. don't lie about your age, about you life. that seems obvious. but besides that, i really underestimated the fact that an amazing opportunity may present itself to you, and your first impression will determine if the door opens or closes.

i'm pretty sure i slammed the door shut.


for saturday. besides having a horribly guilty conscience, i reflected on the previous night and the people i spent it with. one, i fucking love you all. my best friends are the shit. but my amazing friday night reinforced my hesistance to go to new york for college. it's not that i'm worried i'll never talk to these girls again, but it's that i'm making the best memories with them, and i feel like our time is going to get cut short. the last thing i want to do is go to ny and then regret it. in the same token, though, i would hate to stay here and wish i had chosen new york.

this is where i really start to hate my indeciveness.

then i realized while talking to kelee that my motives for choosing between schools are a little out of perspective. because what i deeply want is for a new experience, life changing and something that will set me up for the future i want. but then on the surface, i contradict myself because i'm afraid to start absolutely completely over. i want a new chance, don't get me wrong. but as i realized friday night, i can be horrible at first impressions. if and when i go to new york, there won't be anyone there that knows the "real" me. and i'll have to start from scratch.

first impressions have never seemed so important.








speaking of which, interview tomorrow for anaheim youth of the year.

holiday parade

is seriously the best band ever!

wow.
these lyrics are beyond captivating.

favorite of the moment: hope dies last.
Make a wish tonight
Take me back to the nights of last summer
I come by 'round 9
I couldn't help but wonder
What's wrong, what's right?

You're falling hard, and you're taking me under
Baby, it's our time
And baby, it's our time

I know they always say,
True love's gotta set her free.
And maybe I'll get lucky,
She'll come flyin' back to me.

When you walk right by,
You're falling hard, and you're takin' me under.
I can't help but try
Things I miss keep haunting my mind.

Gimme a sign,
I swear I'm gonna make it up to you.
Just one more night,
There's some things I just got to do.

And in watching all the things you do
There's something that slips through to you
Watching all the things you do
There's something that slips through

The things I miss ain’t coming back
There’s some things that just cannot stay
The things I miss ain’t coming back
There’s some things that just cannot change
I’ll let it go…

how do i put a song on my blog?
boooo haha.

here's an update.

colleges been accepted to:
ST JOHNS.
san marcos.
san fran state.
san jose state.
csu chico.
uc riverside.

colleges been rejected from:
san diego state.
uc davis.
uc santa cruz.
uc santa barbara.
cal poly san luis obispo.





ps. 3 months, 1 week, and 2 days until we graduate from high school.

!!!!!

at what point

does a non-committed relationship BECOME a relationship?

i think it's where you get to a point,
when you can't just say "let's be friends",
with no questions asked.

i mean, if there's questions, then there's obviously something deeper and more substantial underneath the surface.

a relationship isn't definied as a title of commitment. it's an act, right?

so then, by definition, a relationship doesn't have to be official or have that title. what's the difference between a "boyfriend" and just...going with what's happening?






so,
what are you getting yourself into?

sleepy time.

thanks for letting me lay in your room being depressed.

rock of love and you was just what i needed.

=]



ps. im strangely excited for college shopping. i can't stop thinking about getting satin bed sheets. =] haha

just a thought.

"haven't you noticed that the only consistent factor in your failures is YOU?"


well that's a good way to look at it.




ps. thanks for seeing the good in me.

word vomit.

can you please give him a chance?
you have this predetermined opinion of him,
and you're way beyond fucking wrong.



you've always been behind me, 110%.
what's changed now that he's here?

what?

all of a sudden,
this wash of sickness came over me.

i see it ending.
it hasn't even begun.

why do i do this?
it's like i don't want myself to be happy.

i'm like dizzy from the fact that my mind is changing,
and i have no control over it.

i want to stop thinking about college, but it's dominating my thoughts. less than four months till graduation.

i DON'T feel rushed. i'm falling back into the comfort zone of not knowing what i want. don't let this stop you, or get you down. i don't even want you to read this, but you need to know without me telling you. this isn't me. i'm not optimistic. i'm not even a nice person. stop being fooled. i'll come around soon enough.

is this reality kicking in, or am i going crazy?

i can't stop thinking about it.

what was the question you said you were going to ask me?





you didn't ask,
so i couldn't answer.






thanks for today.

home sweet home.

NEW freaking YORK.

it's where i belong.

for the first time in my life, i feel like i actually know what i want to do, and i can actually see how to get there.





will you be able to support me?

________.

stop trying to pretend i don't exist.

you walked by me last thursday and didn't even notice.
talk about heart wrenching.



i'm ready for you to forgive me.






we're better than this, aren't we?


p.s. my promise stays true.

surprise feelings.

yeah, wasn't expecting this one.

you know...the one that you feel in the pit of your stomach.
you're part of my daily routine.







wow, this is really happening.




today was such a butterfly day, tomorrow even more.
possibly the last soccer game i'll ever play in...
the day before new york...
and, today, the realization that i might in fact, for once, be ready.

against the odds.

even though my actions would say you're just a replacement,






you are most definitely not.
















i feel anything but rushed.

take a hint.

i miss you.




stop lying to yourself.
i need you,
and im almost positive you need me too.


please don't fill the void with someone else.
i'm here. i'm waiting. i'm sorry.

p.s.

at 16, do you really need to be acting like a 6 year old?
and at 17, do i really need to be crying over you?











i finally understand what everyone says about you.



have fun sitting by yourself next year. if you haven't noticed, no one makes or keeps friends by acting like a complete douche.

im in a mood...

where posting blogs about whats on my mind seems to be a good idea.
that and i really don't want to do math. suck it wittman.

me talking about this feels like an analysis on the voice overs of grey's anatomy.

how much of your past really carries on through to your present? i mean. you make 100 mistakes, right? and then people judge you. you change. how many people recognize that change, and how many are stuck in the mistakes of your past? is it a matter of forgive and forget? does it depend on the person forgiving, or the situation needing to be forgotten?

how much different would our lives be if the first reputation you made for yourself carried on throughout your life?



[23:06] superskankkkkk: and i think that most of the time
[23:06] superskankkkkk: thats what matters most
[23:06] superskankkkkk: not whether you had sex with so and so
[23:06] superskankkkkk: or something stupid like that
[23:06] superskankkkkk: you know?
[23:06] _________: Mhm.
[23:07] _________: That's actually a good way to view things.
[23:07] _________: Kind of like, "When it comes down to it..."
[23:07] superskankkkkk: yeah definitely
[23:07] superskankkkkk: at the end of the day
[23:07] superskankkkkk: your past isnt so much as important to me as how you are now
[23:07] superskankkkkk: even though your past may shape who you are
[23:07] superskankkkkk: it doesnt dictate it


i think that's a big part of the college appeal.

3 and a half months

until i have to decide what college im going to.

today i realized,
this is possibly the most important decision i'll ever make.

my imagination was running wild and i was thinking of everything that would change, happen, and stay the same during college. it freaked me out knowing that i could find my husband at college. meet some of the best people in the world. pick a career and a life ambition.

how am i supposed to decide at 17 what will be the best choice for me for the rest of my life?!

what if i make the wrong choice?


broadcasting is my dream. but is new york?

hahahhaa

i really don't need to post 3 blogs in one day.

BUT.


it's been a year since i shaved my head.

SOOOOOOOO much has changed since then.
most defining year of my life.
whoooooo.


happy one year anniversary to me.
=]

favorite things.

my favorite things.

p.s. i think i like making lists. =]



> mint chocolate chip anything.
> gum.
> best friends.
> texting.
> meeting new people.
> making lists.
> those pooh bears on cellphones.
> baths!
> music.
> boys who play guitar.
> boys. =] haha
> hugs!!!!!
> car rides.
> hot cheeto fries.
> loud music in cars.
> smiling.
> crying, every once in a while.
> good talks!
> rainbows. the sandals, haha.
> anchors.
> the smell of the beach.
> being warm when it's really cold.
> RAIN!
> sound of the wind.
> grey's anatomy.
> gossip girl.
> gossip. haha.
> my dog.
> listening.
> talking.
> sleeping.
> eating.
> people who remember things.
> cute sayings.
> old friends.
> mascara.
> acrylics.
> blogging!
> facebook, myspace, aim. haha.
> laughing!!!
> growing.
> inspirational people.
> soccer. not mr alcordo.
> advanced girls<3
> bus rides.
> taking pictures.
> coffee.
> clothes fresh from the dryer.
> keeping ticket stubs.
> oxford secret! and post secret.
> blankets.
> bagels with cream cheese.
> pita chips.
> albertacos!
> subwayyy.
> choir shows.
> shopping.
> getting paid.
> compliments.
> bruises!


i'll add later. =]

craving.

i was craving a blog post. haha.
there's so many things i want to write about!!

okay first.
BEST BANDS. and artists, haha. feel free to add to my list. haha. =]

> the maine.
> kid sparrow.
> metro station.
> the jakes.
> ready aim fire.
> rocket summer.
> hellogoodbye.
> kimya dawson.
> dropout year.
> boys like girls.
> dashboard confessional.
> james blunt.
> brighten.
> blink 182.
> angels&airwaves.
> death cab for cutie.
> cute is what we aim for.
> postal service.
> sherwood.
> the scene aesthetic.
> the format.
> cartel.
> all time low.
> say anything.
> quietdrive.
> my favorite highway.
> the spill canvas.
> five times august.
> lfo.
> train.
> savage garden.
> matchbox twenty.
> american hi-fi.
> all american rejects.
> britney spears (haha)
> the ataris.
> lifehouse.
> yellowcard.
> gym class heroes.
> john legend.
> snow patrol.
> keri noble.
> ingrid michaelson.
> meg&dia.
> schuyler fisk.
> colbie caillat.
> the fray.


mkay. next topic?
friends.

senior year is supposed to be the best of my life. it's been good, not gonna lie. but i get the feeling that i don't have one group of friends. well i know that, haha. i never really have, i change groups and friends...and it's never bothered me. i mean, i have more friends because i don't limit myself to one group of people. but then as senior activities are happening...i feel almost left out. everyone is hanging out with "their" group- and i don't have one. it was really obvious at formal. like, everyone assumed i was going with a different group of people. and that's almost like a compliment...but then again, i was like...okay, now i don't have a group. i had to ask to be in a group, and then it was semi-awkward cuz i could tell i wasn't really wanted.
i know sadies is gonna be the same problem. what do i do? i want one group that i can clearly identify with. but i can't beg someone to take me in. am i the only one that this is happening too? agh. =/
i can just myself at senior sunrise and grad nite...like, looking around at the cliques and groups of people, and not feeling like i belong anywhere. it's like..i feel so wanted but lonely at the same time. i hope this works out...i guess i need to pick a group of people and stick with them. but then what happens to everyone else not inside that select group of people? i can't let them go, but this won't ever work unless i do to some extent. blahhhhh.

please

let this last for more than a season.













i have high hopes.

=]

there's so much i want to say to you, but i don't think you really want to hear it. seriously though. this is getting to the point where i don't know if "just friends" will work for us. i almost want more but then i definitely don't. i want you to be over me, but at the same time, i don't exactly want you to move on. i want you to pay attention to me, but i think you're too clingy. i was thinking about it, and what it comes down to is that i'm just not happy with you like i used to be. i want to be, but it just doesn't work out. will we ever be okay?




and that was my new years resolution, to have more moments of pure happiness. speaking of which, a conversation sparked this whole realization of the first paragraph. i want to be purely happy, even if it's only for moments at a time. this happened yesterday, and i seriously could not wipe the smile off of my face. i haven't done that in quite a while. it felt SO good. i love new friends. the telling of stories that everyone has heard a hundred times. the fact that someone shows they care. especially because they already see more in me than i can often see myself. mmm. it all feels good. i hope it lasts. =]

i don't know what to make of this new situation. but it's a pretty good feeling, so i won't question it for now. haha.


...i'm gonna go not do my homework and think really hard about sadies. blah. what an exciting night.

because vincent wanted it.

hahaha. i doubt this is the intellectual capacity you were looking for, and i even more seriously doubt that this is the inspiration or motivation you need to do your homework. i should rename it distraction. ha.


funbags9999 (9:19:02 PM):update your blog
m5mjat (9:26:21 PM): you need to do a new blog haha

...i get the hint. ;]

so i watched juno on wednesday night with meaghan and vincent. (ironic since i'm writing this blog for them, haha.) but yeah, most amazing movie ever. for one, the soundtrack is amazing. i do this thing where i shape lyrics around my life and i judge songs on how much they relate to me. so yeah. kimya dawson=pure genius. but back to the movie. it got me thinking SO MUCH about what's happening in my life right now. and since i've watched the movie, i've been super reflective on everything.

this quote from the movie was the foundation for A LOT of my reflection.
"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass."
WOW. i got to thinking about who this person is. and honestly, it's the one person i would expect but don't want. i mean, these past few months have been the most indecisive months for me ever. i don't want to go in extreme detail, especially because i don't know who actually reads this... haha. but anyway, this quote fueled my reflection which fueled one of the most amazing conversations ever with meaghan. she summarizes it on her blog- www.m5mjat.blogspot.com


so our talk was set in the perfect scene- pitch black, ensuring secrecy, and rain bouncing off the car, our favorite weather. my mind is so all over the place, and my opinions so stubborn yet completely naive. not to mention selfish. at one point we realized that in my situation, me being selfish is completely selfless. i want to protect him so bad for my own sake, so i lie. but it's come to the point where i don't know what's a lie and what's real in this seemingly non existent relationship.(okay, it does exist. it's always on my mind and it's obvious. but it doesn't exist when i realize there's absolutely no tangible proof to it's existence. and tangible happens to be something i can actually understand.) i don't know my feelings because they're so double sided. i don't know what to do or what to say. for example, i hate talking on the phone. yet i do it every day and i love it. how does that make sense?! so the conversation continues and i'm beyond frustrated. there's no words to express how i'm feeling.

this brings me back to juno.
"you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart."

it sucks because i know by not hurting him i'm hurting him. so what's the right thing to do, if i'm hurting him either way. if i give in to my feelings, then i'm going to hurt him when i get bored.(i always do. you know me.) if i resist for the moment, BAM. pain.

and so i go in circles and circles about this. wonder what i'll say when it comes time. i need a new perspective but each one just brings me in a 360. i have the serious urge to yell suck it, fuck, or be my valentine right now.



go do your homework, vincent.


ps.
superskankkkkk (9:49:40 PM): leave me alone
superskankkkkk (9:49:46 PM): im trying to be insightful
(so much for that.)

a toast to...

i wanted to capture exactly what was said at our "raging new year" party.
we made a toast as our first words of 2008... here it is.

"To no more bitterness"- meaghan
"To moments of pure happiness"- carmen
"To cherishing every moment we have left together and to living life to it's fullest."- jillian
"To seniors."- raghav

aw, what a good way to start the new year!
<33333


2008, here i come.