because vincent wanted it.

hahaha. i doubt this is the intellectual capacity you were looking for, and i even more seriously doubt that this is the inspiration or motivation you need to do your homework. i should rename it distraction. ha.


funbags9999 (9:19:02 PM):update your blog
m5mjat (9:26:21 PM): you need to do a new blog haha

...i get the hint. ;]

so i watched juno on wednesday night with meaghan and vincent. (ironic since i'm writing this blog for them, haha.) but yeah, most amazing movie ever. for one, the soundtrack is amazing. i do this thing where i shape lyrics around my life and i judge songs on how much they relate to me. so yeah. kimya dawson=pure genius. but back to the movie. it got me thinking SO MUCH about what's happening in my life right now. and since i've watched the movie, i've been super reflective on everything.

this quote from the movie was the foundation for A LOT of my reflection.
"Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass."
WOW. i got to thinking about who this person is. and honestly, it's the one person i would expect but don't want. i mean, these past few months have been the most indecisive months for me ever. i don't want to go in extreme detail, especially because i don't know who actually reads this... haha. but anyway, this quote fueled my reflection which fueled one of the most amazing conversations ever with meaghan. she summarizes it on her blog- www.m5mjat.blogspot.com


so our talk was set in the perfect scene- pitch black, ensuring secrecy, and rain bouncing off the car, our favorite weather. my mind is so all over the place, and my opinions so stubborn yet completely naive. not to mention selfish. at one point we realized that in my situation, me being selfish is completely selfless. i want to protect him so bad for my own sake, so i lie. but it's come to the point where i don't know what's a lie and what's real in this seemingly non existent relationship.(okay, it does exist. it's always on my mind and it's obvious. but it doesn't exist when i realize there's absolutely no tangible proof to it's existence. and tangible happens to be something i can actually understand.) i don't know my feelings because they're so double sided. i don't know what to do or what to say. for example, i hate talking on the phone. yet i do it every day and i love it. how does that make sense?! so the conversation continues and i'm beyond frustrated. there's no words to express how i'm feeling.

this brings me back to juno.
"you're so nice and you're so smart
you're such a good friend i hafta break your heart
tell you that i love you then i'll tear your world apart
just pretend i didn't tear your world apart."

it sucks because i know by not hurting him i'm hurting him. so what's the right thing to do, if i'm hurting him either way. if i give in to my feelings, then i'm going to hurt him when i get bored.(i always do. you know me.) if i resist for the moment, BAM. pain.

and so i go in circles and circles about this. wonder what i'll say when it comes time. i need a new perspective but each one just brings me in a 360. i have the serious urge to yell suck it, fuck, or be my valentine right now.



go do your homework, vincent.


ps.
superskankkkkk (9:49:40 PM): leave me alone
superskankkkkk (9:49:46 PM): im trying to be insightful
(so much for that.)