ironies of life.

the title was originally where do i even begin?
but then i realized, i'm writing about an ending. yeah, a beginning too, one that i'm so insanely ecstatic for. there's just these little things that are stringing me away from my happiness. that was irony number one.

i don't know if this is irony, mostly because i'm tired and sad and excited and nothing really makes sense. but i thought this summer was going to be sooo different. it makes me so sad to see the 3 of them without me, even though i guess i don't really belong. i feel like no matter how hard i would try, they still don't want me as a part of that anymore. it's so weird to think that my intentions for things that have happened come across so differently than i intend them too. like i think i'm protecting someone, and helping them, and i sort of break other friendships because of it. i miss the four of us, and i see that i'm replaced. it doesn't bother me most of the time.

i think that happens a lot. my intentions reading as bitchiness. should i just flat out be a bitch, and only cover my own ass? people don't see how much i hurt. i choose to hide it, i guess, so maybe it's really all my fault. but i'm pretty sure i can count like a dozen people who i've gone out of my way to help and then just read that as leading them on, or breaking their heart, or being a giant bitch.

but back to the ironies.

so i thought this summer would be full of adventures, parties, excitement. it's my last chance with my best friends to get everything i wanted to do here done. but i've found myself much happier spending somewhat quiet nights with my best friend. we don't have to get dressed up, go out, etc. i miss out on stuff but i'm pretty much totally okay with it. i'll have so much time in new york to do all of that, with the new friends i make. but there's still some of me that wants these crazy memories from this summer. i don't want to look back and be like, wait...what did i do that summer? there's things i totally want to try but i'm running out of time.

another irony. there's days where i sit at home, sleep in late, do nothing all day because everyone else already has plans. it makes me want to leave. but then there's days where it's back to back activities, where im freaking out because i want to do it all.

i think this ramble is making less sense as time goes on.i apologize if you're actually choosing to read this...haha.

i miss cody so much. like...fuck. he called me and it was seriously so amazing, but i didn't know what to say. i'm not allowed to tell him i miss him, but i don't want to make him think i don't. i don't even know anymore, it's all so confusing.

i wonder a lot about who i'm actually going to talk to after i leave. who's gonna make an effort? i'm totally down to...but there's no way i'm going to try harder than you. it won't be worth it.

i think i'm afraid of changing so much that when i get back i'm totally imcompatible with all the people i love here. how much do i want to stay the same, though? that's what college is about, finding you and changing and molding and shaping the rest of your life. fuck i'm excited.

i can't remember the rest of my ironies. there were too many to hold in at once.


ps. you know what's funny? i had no idea that so many people read this. it makes me feel wanted in a creepy, satisfying way. as if these rambles actually made sense to someone else. ha. who am i kidding.
but really, thank you for listening.