i can't believe the day is here

he's gone. he's gone.

i'm trying to repeat it so it'll fully sink in. fully sink in that today could have been the last time i'll ever see him. i wish i had made it more memorable, but i guess it was memorable in the sense that it felt nothing has changed between us. through all the changes, moves, heartbreaks, arguements, distance...we sat and played rock band as if we had all the time in the world.

it started to really hit me on the walk home. my sandal crunched on some leaves and i looked up at him- his skinny, scrawny, super tall physique, and i realized that this was the last time i would ever see him like that. last time we'll ever hang out in the summertime, living around the corner from each other.

i miss him already.

and as tears were streaming down my cheeks, pressed against his too short shirt and his awkward body, i felt so destructed but so comforted. there's no one like him. no one. i don't know what i'm gonna do without him.

it's funny that i say that. because really, he's not constantly here. we don't talk every day, i don't see him for weeks or months at a time. but he's always...just around the block. it's that comfort, knowing he's there. since i met him he's had these plans...but they've never felt alive or remotely near. and now they're here...they're in the moment and they're soooo tangible. and i don't have anything to say?

i can't believe the day is here. i can't believe this was my last chance to say everything i should have said, and i just cried, as if my tears would hold my words in small bubbles and release them for him to understand. i can't believe things aren't always gonna be the same. i can't believe this is the first time i really feel like i'm getting old, growing up.

our last hug was the first time he'd ever felt nervous about leaving. our last hug, our last goodbye. is it for now or forever?