reflection part one.

i'm going to try to reflect on each part of my life. i want to freeze time, and record how i'm feeling...so i can look back and remember my senior year for what it was.


BOYS.

when are they not a part of my life?

i've come to realize that there's a different classification for the boys i..yeah. date? no, that's not the word. whatever it is..none of them are remotely the same. which is weird, you'd think i had a type or something. so the classifications go as follows, no specific order....

The "i'm happy if you're happy" boy. oh, this boy. he's like..head over heels. i don't have faith in head over heels, so i remain grounded and unchanged. yeah, i have feelings. i choose not to act on them. i turn away from his persistence and i feel guilty, but i don't want to lead him on. he tells me, "but carmen, if you're happy, then i'm happy!" i know it's a lie, because the bitter period that follows the harsh let-go is solid proof. i miss this boy. i wish it could have turned back into the friendship it started out as. this boy, he was too trusting. i knew i would break him and i tried to warn him. he, of course, was blinded.

then there's the "you're so out of my league, carmen" boy. flattery is his middle name, which, coincidentally, i don't take well. it's not that i think i'm in a higher league, but i sort of know from the start that it's not really going to work. i want to prove myself wrong, i want to show my "best friend" that phases are breakable. (i fail, btw) this boy really tries. he's cheesy but it's oh so endearing. emotional, which i could do without but it's easy getting used to. i think that's the problem, i get used to them. and then, there's no excitement, no flame..no desire or motivation for commitment. and it dies. once again, i'm proved correct. i break another heart, which leaves me...whats the word? brokenhearted?

i can't ever forget the "i'll do anything for you, i love you" boy. who's leaving. i'm leaving. sounds impossible, then, right? try explaining that to him, him who, at 18, thinks he has his whole life planned out for him, including marrying me. uhhh. do you know how i work? i can't stay committed for a month- and you're talking about life?! it sounds ridiculous, and i want to laugh. but i don't because it's sad. you'd be so much better, have a much higher shot, if you could just tone it down. no, you don't need to freak out if i don't text you back in two minutes. no, you don't need to feel guilty for my actions OR make me feel guilty for things i've already paid my dues to. this is the same boy who missed a chunk of my life- and thinks that i haven't changed. there's so much he doesn't know about me, and he doesn't really want to know. i know he'd be disappointed. i know it's a lost cause, he's a lost, ignorant, sweet cause- but i can't help it. his all important, ultimatum question sticks out in my mind, and it's on constant repeat. "what if we're soulmates? and you're turning me down?"

there's always been the "call you randomly and insert myself back into your life" boy. will he ever really go away? most likely not. can i blame him? no. i wouldn't say he's hooked, like the other two were. it's more like, he can call and we can play this stupid game of calling each other jerk and ass, but i never really get mad. and i can't lie, i don't mind the attention. and he, of course, enjoys giving it out. it works perfectly, except when it comes at the most inconvenient times. which, ever so conveniently, always seems to happen. this boy has been the cause of interruptions in more than one case. i suppose it never ends healthy, but he's always an option.

and now i'd like to present to you.. the "i don't trust you because i'm too smart to fall for the fact that you do this to every boy" boy. and yet, he falls. but the thing is, there's a catch. i haven't gotten bored yet. haven't talked myself out of the situation. there's been doubt and speculation, but for some reason, my gut is contradicting my common sense. yeah, i'm leaving in three fucking months. but i'm spell bound. perhaps it's only momentary. i guess i'll just have to wait to find out. but what intrigues me about this boy is that he's different. unlike the above three boys described, he doesn't trust me. he's skeptical, and he thinks im going to break him...or that i'm going to try. i want to prove him wrong. karma, this isn't the time. is history repeating itself,or could this be it?


i feel like i just wrote a classification essay for spencer. haha. irony! ...you probably didn't get it.



ps. i found the tattoo i want. =]