the best therapy.

1.I’ll never be able to thank you enough for telling me to come to NY.
2.I don’t know you, but I am so so so sorry.
3.I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive you for how you judged me. My one goal now is to ensure you’re never ever ever right.
4.It was exactly two years on September 23. Did you even remember?
5.You never call.
6.I’m tired of listening to the problems that you have, only because you created them for yourself and you’re not the least bit willing to be involved in fixing them. Really, grow a pair.
7.Why do you have a girlfriend?! Maybe it’s better that way…I haven’t liked someone this much in a seriously long time.
8.I wonder if you have an inch of good in you. Or if everything you said was just total crap.
9.Please be my soulmate. Hahaha no but really.
10.She doesn’t want you! And you’re not funny.
11.Who knew my other half would be from some crazy east coast little town and have a wicked crazy accent? One word: hmm!
12.Stop judging me!!!! Actually, I could care less. Haha.
13.Thank god for webcams. I couldn’t live without seeing your face. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I value your opinion so much. I’m so glad we’re okay with being 3000 miles apart.
14.Its guys like you who ruin it for everyone. If I ever see you again, I’ll punch you.
15.If you didn’t act like such an asshole, you could have anyone you wanted.
16.Do you know that everyone I know thinks you’re a giant whore? It’s sad that we’ve only been here a month and you’ve already gotten the worst reputation.
17.If you were an ounce cuter, I’d be soooooooooo down. You’re like the funniest person I’ve ever met.
18.I only pretend to not know how you really feel.
19.Please get married. You’re like the cutest thing ever.
20.Why do I miss you so much? We didn’t even talk before I left. Are you still bitter or do you just not care?
21.I want to like you, but there’s nothing there. And you were fun until last night.
22.I’m being serious. I’m the biggest bitch you know. Give up!
23.I miss our good talks. Giving you advice always made me feel like I have a better grip on life than I really do. I’ll never forget that night we sat in the park and talked for hours. Hmm, I miss you. You almost cried when I left, and it meant so much to me.
24.If you really did get cancer, I’d be devastated. Please stop while you can…
25.If you weren’t so clingy, you’d have way more friends.
26.You disgust me, and I hope during basketball season karma knocks you over.
27.I think you know all my secrets and you judge me. Really though, I can’t blame you.
28.I thought I was going to hate you, but it turns out you’re going to be one of my best friends. Thanks for proving me wrong.
29.We peaked.

dear california,

i feel like i owe you an explanation.
so many people from home are saying,
"i'm worried about you...."

here's my train of thought when this phrase comes up.

first i think of chessie's saying- "i'm a grown ass woman! i do what i want!" but let's be real...i may live on my own, but i'm not really a grown ass woman. i do do what i want...and i fully realize i don't make the best decisions.

but you don't need to worry. i like that you worry, because it means you care...but i don't know how to explain myself because in my mind, i'm completely justified.

don't worry about me, california. we keep each other in check here . i have 3 mommies and they have me. i'll survive.

with love,
miss "stay out until 4 am"

dear california,

i miss you so much.
there's days where i feel like i can't stay here anymore. i want to come home. i want to see your faces.

christmas break is too far away.

i miss grilled cheese from in-n-out, hot cheetos, spitting seeds, the beach, seeing the sun for extended periods of time, hooker hunting, being in cars, kiis fm, mexican food, marble slab, friends, my dog, my bed, familiar faces...

i hope you're right how i need you to be when i come home to you, california.

with love,
miss homesick

dear california,

i'm happy here, i really am.
i don't feel like i'm learning that much in school..except for maybe psychology.

but life? learning oodles.

like the way leaves change color during fall,
and the words yo and mad.
like how deja vu is a big lie,
and the fastest ways to get rid of hickeys.
like self control,
and how to not die while in the south bronx.
like how to walk everywhere i need to go,
and that the best comfort food is top ramen.

it's funny when all the tall buildings in manhattan make me lose any bits of homesickness i've ever had.

oh yes, this is definitely the place i'm meant to be.

california, don't forget about me. but don't wait for me either. i like it too much here to leave.

with love,
carmen.

because nothing is EVER that simple.

can a kiss just be a kiss? a cuddle...just be a cuddle?

i really used to think so. but it's getting harder and harder to believe that.


and no, nothing is ever that simple. yes and no...black and white, it just doesn't work.



i'm coming to terms with the fact that i am attracted to all the wrong types of boys. boys who are assholes, liars, have girlfriends...oh, you know. a day in the life..

first ny blog.

awwwww. new home. new friends. new life.

why do i feel like i'm having the same problems? i mean, i guess it's not a new me, but the new experiences and new situations made me feel bound to make a change.

i'm just gonna say what i need to say. i'm not going to my discover new york class because i don't feel good, it's pouring rain, and the class is ridiculously pointless anyhow.

i think i've forgotten how to like boys. no no, thats not saying i like girls (hahahah) but i honestly don't remember liking someone and thinking, hmm, i want a relationship. now in general, i at least like the idea of a relationship. but it's a mixture of having such little faith in the goodness of boys and just not trusting them, and me being so closed about opening up that i'm left making somewhat bad decisions and not getting to know people. i don't regret anything i've done here and i don't plan on regretting anything. but even the boy that said, don't worry carmen, you have it all- you came to new york, and you just found a nice boy- screwed me over like less than 24 hours later. hahaha. am i so blind that i pick such the wrong people? or is the right person right under my nose?

as much as this is college and not high school, it feels same in the sense that i feel like i know so many people's business. word does travel fast, probably because we all live together. i really really really need to try and erase whatever bad reputation i've started to make for myself. it's funny how people in california and people in new york are seeing two different sides of me. it's not like i'm completely different but i'm most definitely not the same.

i've lost my train of thought by the overpoweing ache of my stomach, haha.


i need serious help.