i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i cannot immerse myself in you.
i'm afraid of immersing myself in you.
(ps. i liked it better when you didn't trust me.)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
reflection part two
there's so many things i want to say to so many people. i wish i was strong enough to tell them all to their faces. well, hopefully i'll get to some of them.
1. where do i start? it hurts just thinking about it. where did we go? why did we change? could it have been prevented? it hurts to think that you can't tell me things, because we used to be so above that crap. it hurts because i know for a fact you lied to me. the sad thing is, i can sort of pinpoint a day where things started to change. really? because of a boy you didn't think i should give a chance? is that the breaking point for us? i hope this summer fixes us, somehow.
2. you-you hurt too. i know you're bitter. but god, do i miss us. i thought i would never mention you in a blog again, but you stay consistently in my life just enough for me to miss your presence. oh, and by the way...yeah, you could do way better. it's weird to think that SHE came after me. ick.
3. i hope this works out. who am i kidding? you know me, i know me. it probably won't. if only, if only...
4. i hated finding out today that your motives aren't what i thought they were. you made me cry. or i made me cry..i think i might have made up this great idea of what i thought you were, and how you felt..and when you said you couldn't live without me i believed you. but now that you know how i feel, you don't have time for me. i'm disappointed.
5. what the fuck would i do without you? really? WOW.
i'll continue these later.
1. where do i start? it hurts just thinking about it. where did we go? why did we change? could it have been prevented? it hurts to think that you can't tell me things, because we used to be so above that crap. it hurts because i know for a fact you lied to me. the sad thing is, i can sort of pinpoint a day where things started to change. really? because of a boy you didn't think i should give a chance? is that the breaking point for us? i hope this summer fixes us, somehow.
2. you-you hurt too. i know you're bitter. but god, do i miss us. i thought i would never mention you in a blog again, but you stay consistently in my life just enough for me to miss your presence. oh, and by the way...yeah, you could do way better. it's weird to think that SHE came after me. ick.
3. i hope this works out. who am i kidding? you know me, i know me. it probably won't. if only, if only...
4. i hated finding out today that your motives aren't what i thought they were. you made me cry. or i made me cry..i think i might have made up this great idea of what i thought you were, and how you felt..and when you said you couldn't live without me i believed you. but now that you know how i feel, you don't have time for me. i'm disappointed.
5. what the fuck would i do without you? really? WOW.
i'll continue these later.
reflection part one.
i'm going to try to reflect on each part of my life. i want to freeze time, and record how i'm feeling...so i can look back and remember my senior year for what it was.
BOYS.
when are they not a part of my life?
i've come to realize that there's a different classification for the boys i..yeah. date? no, that's not the word. whatever it is..none of them are remotely the same. which is weird, you'd think i had a type or something. so the classifications go as follows, no specific order....
The "i'm happy if you're happy" boy. oh, this boy. he's like..head over heels. i don't have faith in head over heels, so i remain grounded and unchanged. yeah, i have feelings. i choose not to act on them. i turn away from his persistence and i feel guilty, but i don't want to lead him on. he tells me, "but carmen, if you're happy, then i'm happy!" i know it's a lie, because the bitter period that follows the harsh let-go is solid proof. i miss this boy. i wish it could have turned back into the friendship it started out as. this boy, he was too trusting. i knew i would break him and i tried to warn him. he, of course, was blinded.
then there's the "you're so out of my league, carmen" boy. flattery is his middle name, which, coincidentally, i don't take well. it's not that i think i'm in a higher league, but i sort of know from the start that it's not really going to work. i want to prove myself wrong, i want to show my "best friend" that phases are breakable. (i fail, btw) this boy really tries. he's cheesy but it's oh so endearing. emotional, which i could do without but it's easy getting used to. i think that's the problem, i get used to them. and then, there's no excitement, no flame..no desire or motivation for commitment. and it dies. once again, i'm proved correct. i break another heart, which leaves me...whats the word? brokenhearted?
i can't ever forget the "i'll do anything for you, i love you" boy. who's leaving. i'm leaving. sounds impossible, then, right? try explaining that to him, him who, at 18, thinks he has his whole life planned out for him, including marrying me. uhhh. do you know how i work? i can't stay committed for a month- and you're talking about life?! it sounds ridiculous, and i want to laugh. but i don't because it's sad. you'd be so much better, have a much higher shot, if you could just tone it down. no, you don't need to freak out if i don't text you back in two minutes. no, you don't need to feel guilty for my actions OR make me feel guilty for things i've already paid my dues to. this is the same boy who missed a chunk of my life- and thinks that i haven't changed. there's so much he doesn't know about me, and he doesn't really want to know. i know he'd be disappointed. i know it's a lost cause, he's a lost, ignorant, sweet cause- but i can't help it. his all important, ultimatum question sticks out in my mind, and it's on constant repeat. "what if we're soulmates? and you're turning me down?"
there's always been the "call you randomly and insert myself back into your life" boy. will he ever really go away? most likely not. can i blame him? no. i wouldn't say he's hooked, like the other two were. it's more like, he can call and we can play this stupid game of calling each other jerk and ass, but i never really get mad. and i can't lie, i don't mind the attention. and he, of course, enjoys giving it out. it works perfectly, except when it comes at the most inconvenient times. which, ever so conveniently, always seems to happen. this boy has been the cause of interruptions in more than one case. i suppose it never ends healthy, but he's always an option.
and now i'd like to present to you.. the "i don't trust you because i'm too smart to fall for the fact that you do this to every boy" boy. and yet, he falls. but the thing is, there's a catch. i haven't gotten bored yet. haven't talked myself out of the situation. there's been doubt and speculation, but for some reason, my gut is contradicting my common sense. yeah, i'm leaving in three fucking months. but i'm spell bound. perhaps it's only momentary. i guess i'll just have to wait to find out. but what intrigues me about this boy is that he's different. unlike the above three boys described, he doesn't trust me. he's skeptical, and he thinks im going to break him...or that i'm going to try. i want to prove him wrong. karma, this isn't the time. is history repeating itself,or could this be it?
i feel like i just wrote a classification essay for spencer. haha. irony! ...you probably didn't get it.
ps. i found the tattoo i want. =]
BOYS.
when are they not a part of my life?
i've come to realize that there's a different classification for the boys i..yeah. date? no, that's not the word. whatever it is..none of them are remotely the same. which is weird, you'd think i had a type or something. so the classifications go as follows, no specific order....
The "i'm happy if you're happy" boy. oh, this boy. he's like..head over heels. i don't have faith in head over heels, so i remain grounded and unchanged. yeah, i have feelings. i choose not to act on them. i turn away from his persistence and i feel guilty, but i don't want to lead him on. he tells me, "but carmen, if you're happy, then i'm happy!" i know it's a lie, because the bitter period that follows the harsh let-go is solid proof. i miss this boy. i wish it could have turned back into the friendship it started out as. this boy, he was too trusting. i knew i would break him and i tried to warn him. he, of course, was blinded.
then there's the "you're so out of my league, carmen" boy. flattery is his middle name, which, coincidentally, i don't take well. it's not that i think i'm in a higher league, but i sort of know from the start that it's not really going to work. i want to prove myself wrong, i want to show my "best friend" that phases are breakable. (i fail, btw) this boy really tries. he's cheesy but it's oh so endearing. emotional, which i could do without but it's easy getting used to. i think that's the problem, i get used to them. and then, there's no excitement, no flame..no desire or motivation for commitment. and it dies. once again, i'm proved correct. i break another heart, which leaves me...whats the word? brokenhearted?
i can't ever forget the "i'll do anything for you, i love you" boy. who's leaving. i'm leaving. sounds impossible, then, right? try explaining that to him, him who, at 18, thinks he has his whole life planned out for him, including marrying me. uhhh. do you know how i work? i can't stay committed for a month- and you're talking about life?! it sounds ridiculous, and i want to laugh. but i don't because it's sad. you'd be so much better, have a much higher shot, if you could just tone it down. no, you don't need to freak out if i don't text you back in two minutes. no, you don't need to feel guilty for my actions OR make me feel guilty for things i've already paid my dues to. this is the same boy who missed a chunk of my life- and thinks that i haven't changed. there's so much he doesn't know about me, and he doesn't really want to know. i know he'd be disappointed. i know it's a lost cause, he's a lost, ignorant, sweet cause- but i can't help it. his all important, ultimatum question sticks out in my mind, and it's on constant repeat. "what if we're soulmates? and you're turning me down?"
there's always been the "call you randomly and insert myself back into your life" boy. will he ever really go away? most likely not. can i blame him? no. i wouldn't say he's hooked, like the other two were. it's more like, he can call and we can play this stupid game of calling each other jerk and ass, but i never really get mad. and i can't lie, i don't mind the attention. and he, of course, enjoys giving it out. it works perfectly, except when it comes at the most inconvenient times. which, ever so conveniently, always seems to happen. this boy has been the cause of interruptions in more than one case. i suppose it never ends healthy, but he's always an option.
and now i'd like to present to you.. the "i don't trust you because i'm too smart to fall for the fact that you do this to every boy" boy. and yet, he falls. but the thing is, there's a catch. i haven't gotten bored yet. haven't talked myself out of the situation. there's been doubt and speculation, but for some reason, my gut is contradicting my common sense. yeah, i'm leaving in three fucking months. but i'm spell bound. perhaps it's only momentary. i guess i'll just have to wait to find out. but what intrigues me about this boy is that he's different. unlike the above three boys described, he doesn't trust me. he's skeptical, and he thinks im going to break him...or that i'm going to try. i want to prove him wrong. karma, this isn't the time. is history repeating itself,or could this be it?
i feel like i just wrote a classification essay for spencer. haha. irony! ...you probably didn't get it.
ps. i found the tattoo i want. =]
Monday, May 12, 2008
analogies of life.
it's easier than speaking truth, really.
well, pretty much, i can't stop thinking. there's so many things on my mind lately. i feel like i have so much to say, but i never know how to word it so it doesn't come out bitchy and insensitive. blah.
this is how much im thinking. okay.. like, you know those cuts you get that when the bacteria hits it the bacteria starts like multiplying and shit by the billions? that's my thought process right now. i start to think of one thing, one person, one problem...and then my mind is racing and i can't stop...
i need to just write it all down. express it? whatever.
- i don't want to like you. please don't be the one i fall for. please..and above all, please don't fall for me if i decide i don't like you. this is amazing, but i can see it ending badly. and i so desperately don't want that.
- what would i do without lists!?
- the more you become obsessed, the less i want you. really. stop. i love you but i'm pretty sure the more i think about, the more i realize you are sooooo not right for me. but i don't think i'll ever work up the courage to tell you that..
- WHERE ARE YOU. we don't talk...you're supposed to be my best friend. i want to talk to you...but i'm so afraid you're either going to get mad at me or get really defensive. i don't want to fight. i want my best friend back.
- stop acting like a personality-less person around us. really? maybe you think you're getting away with it...but you're most definitely not.
- why?!?!?!?!?!?
- am i making the right choices? ...is this really what i want? well i freaking hope so, because its set in stone now.
- why do i miss you so much? it's not even the want what i can't have..but i miss you. and i'm pretty sure you hate me.
why do you read these? really..they're a waste of time.
goodnight.
ps, analogies of love > realities of love.
just fyi.
well, pretty much, i can't stop thinking. there's so many things on my mind lately. i feel like i have so much to say, but i never know how to word it so it doesn't come out bitchy and insensitive. blah.
this is how much im thinking. okay.. like, you know those cuts you get that when the bacteria hits it the bacteria starts like multiplying and shit by the billions? that's my thought process right now. i start to think of one thing, one person, one problem...and then my mind is racing and i can't stop...
i need to just write it all down. express it? whatever.
- i don't want to like you. please don't be the one i fall for. please..and above all, please don't fall for me if i decide i don't like you. this is amazing, but i can see it ending badly. and i so desperately don't want that.
- what would i do without lists!?
- the more you become obsessed, the less i want you. really. stop. i love you but i'm pretty sure the more i think about, the more i realize you are sooooo not right for me. but i don't think i'll ever work up the courage to tell you that..
- WHERE ARE YOU. we don't talk...you're supposed to be my best friend. i want to talk to you...but i'm so afraid you're either going to get mad at me or get really defensive. i don't want to fight. i want my best friend back.
- stop acting like a personality-less person around us. really? maybe you think you're getting away with it...but you're most definitely not.
- why?!?!?!?!?!?
- am i making the right choices? ...is this really what i want? well i freaking hope so, because its set in stone now.
- why do i miss you so much? it's not even the want what i can't have..but i miss you. and i'm pretty sure you hate me.
why do you read these? really..they're a waste of time.
goodnight.
ps, analogies of love > realities of love.
just fyi.
Monday, May 5, 2008
blurry.
i don't know why i care, really. but this is so hurtful right now...am i just being moody? probably.
you're not attractive...at all.
when you move to NY, please dont vist. none of us will miss you when you leave oxford. in fact, our school will be a better place without you.
please cut your hair. it looks gross.
you're laugh makes me want to punch a baby.
you're fake and you pretend to be things that you arent so that they'll like you more. its not working.
its almost funny how many people who you think are your friends actually hate you.
you make really good brownies.
is this the long awaited truth? i don't know what to think.
in general though, i'm pretty ready to leave oxford. all this cheating drama, it really makes me lose so much respect for our class. we used to be the best - and everyone thought it. but now we're worse than everyone. i don't know how to even explain it.
so weird, i haven't posted a blog in forever. it's alot easier to not need to post a blog when you have someone who's this willing to listen. i think i've met my match, at least in some respects. and i'm not even getting bored. sweeeet.
i want this to be a happy post. but i can't make it one.
i'm scared shitless.
you're not attractive...at all.
when you move to NY, please dont vist. none of us will miss you when you leave oxford. in fact, our school will be a better place without you.
please cut your hair. it looks gross.
you're laugh makes me want to punch a baby.
you're fake and you pretend to be things that you arent so that they'll like you more. its not working.
its almost funny how many people who you think are your friends actually hate you.
you make really good brownies.
is this the long awaited truth? i don't know what to think.
in general though, i'm pretty ready to leave oxford. all this cheating drama, it really makes me lose so much respect for our class. we used to be the best - and everyone thought it. but now we're worse than everyone. i don't know how to even explain it.
so weird, i haven't posted a blog in forever. it's alot easier to not need to post a blog when you have someone who's this willing to listen. i think i've met my match, at least in some respects. and i'm not even getting bored. sweeeet.
i want this to be a happy post. but i can't make it one.
i'm scared shitless.
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