has it started to lose its shine?
i hope the skyscrapers will continue to hold the motivation, excitement, and love for my present and future as they did last year.
not that i think i'm too old, mature, or good for home. because i know i am most definitely not any of one of those things. but i do believe that home reminds me a little too much of the past- and not the type of past i like to dwell on. being home has lost some of its glamour- i want to be back to freedom and not having to ask permission to leave the house. it's funny how much i've stayed the same while becoming so different.
i'm just as stubborn. as much as i could never stick to one person before, i truly believe i'm sticking with this one forever.
i'm just as homesick. but i now miss new york possibly more than i missed california.
i'm just as curious. but instead of being curious about the latest gossip, i'm curious to know what the future holds.
that dear california letter i wrote months ago still seems so fitting. california, i feel, in a lot of ways did forget about me. i think it's for the best though. i still feel bad, and will always feel bad, about the parts of california that i let slip from my daily routine. the people i grew apart from. long distance relationships are not as easy as i thought they would be. IM's will never do justice to real conversations, and "just a phone call away" is a bunch of crap.
dear california,
although you may have lost a little bit of your shine, you'll always be my favorite. as many bad memories you hold, there's at least 50 good ones to make up for it. and although you may not be as comforting and exciting as you once were, i won't ever be able to say goodbye. i'll be back, and i really am here to stay. i like taking a little piece of you with me everwhere i go, since you hold a big piece of me. i've left a little bit of that in nyc, and will soon leave a little more in rome. but no matter how many stunning and brilliant places i go, no matter how much they shine compared to you- will i ever stop loving you.
with love,
a future newscaster, named carmen young, with a big house and at least 2 two kids, who stays in touch with both her california and new york friends.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
mid air ramblings.
“i’m sorry that i hurt your heart but that’s just the part that you’re playing in my autobiography.” – shwayze.
could there be a quote more aligned to me than this? it’s been so long since i posted a blog because i haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. (P.S. he’s a genius. by far one of my favorite musicians.)
it’s successful- i’ve made it. i’ve finished my first semester of college in new york. although they didn’t say it out loud, it’s not hard to see that people didn’t think i could make it. not only have I just finished one semester…i’ve become a new carmen. i know i keep posting blogs about this- about my changes as a person, but to be really honest, my changes have come to such a nirvana and high point that i really really couldn’t be any happier in life.
i have the best friends I could ask for. i have a boyfriend i’m truly falling for, something many people know is a huge step for me. it’s the first time in my life i really feel like i’m growing up, and although i depend on my friends for support and advice, i know i could do things on my own.
so as i’m sitting on the plane back to california, i am nothing but excited for the next month. fuck yeah, i’m gonna miss meagan and chessie and all the other girls. i’m gonna miss the long island accents (but it’ll be a nice break.) i’m gonna feel weird taking cars everywhere i go. it’s gonna be crazy to hang with berkeley and marymary on the opposite coast.
but back to the quote. thinking on the plane, i realized that all this time i’ve been waiting to change or to feel differently has been just another part of my life. it can’t happen all of a sudden because then it wouldn’t flow in a story. if i were to write an autobiography, i know who would guest star. i know who’s heart i would break, which friends would be shown dropping out of my life, and all the people who’ve stopped and truly cared about me. i don’t know, i don’t think i thank the people in my life enough. in my autobiography, you won’t be forgotten. the girls, the boys, the bosses and the teachers- they’d all play a part, big or small. every single person in my life has a part to play- and i’m playing a part in everyone else’s. if you really picture your life like this…i don’t know, it makes me really humbled and comforted knowing that each person is really in my life for a reason. it makes me appreciate everyone, even those i fight with or generally don’t like. it makes me realize that other people’s mistakes truly are displayed and interpreted to me so that i can learn from them.
so i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if you don’t like me or if i don’t like you.
i’m sorry if we’ve drifted, for whatever reason. but we’re each simply playing a role in each other’s lives. without me in yours or yours in mine- who knows what would be missing in your autobiography. a sentence…paragraph… page…chapter?
i have to pee really bad but want to finish this in one wind- they’re always better that way. i’m incredibly pleased with my story right now. my life is at that point of just absolute satisfaction. see you all soon- whether it’s home in california or back in new york. thanks for being in my life.
p.s. i hope you’re in for more than a chapter. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. for everyone else reading this…you’ll see the change when I come home. i’ve never been this happy, and i owe basically all of it to berkeley. this is it- what i thought i would never be capable of. fall in love. <3
could there be a quote more aligned to me than this? it’s been so long since i posted a blog because i haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. (P.S. he’s a genius. by far one of my favorite musicians.)
it’s successful- i’ve made it. i’ve finished my first semester of college in new york. although they didn’t say it out loud, it’s not hard to see that people didn’t think i could make it. not only have I just finished one semester…i’ve become a new carmen. i know i keep posting blogs about this- about my changes as a person, but to be really honest, my changes have come to such a nirvana and high point that i really really couldn’t be any happier in life.
i have the best friends I could ask for. i have a boyfriend i’m truly falling for, something many people know is a huge step for me. it’s the first time in my life i really feel like i’m growing up, and although i depend on my friends for support and advice, i know i could do things on my own.
so as i’m sitting on the plane back to california, i am nothing but excited for the next month. fuck yeah, i’m gonna miss meagan and chessie and all the other girls. i’m gonna miss the long island accents (but it’ll be a nice break.) i’m gonna feel weird taking cars everywhere i go. it’s gonna be crazy to hang with berkeley and marymary on the opposite coast.
but back to the quote. thinking on the plane, i realized that all this time i’ve been waiting to change or to feel differently has been just another part of my life. it can’t happen all of a sudden because then it wouldn’t flow in a story. if i were to write an autobiography, i know who would guest star. i know who’s heart i would break, which friends would be shown dropping out of my life, and all the people who’ve stopped and truly cared about me. i don’t know, i don’t think i thank the people in my life enough. in my autobiography, you won’t be forgotten. the girls, the boys, the bosses and the teachers- they’d all play a part, big or small. every single person in my life has a part to play- and i’m playing a part in everyone else’s. if you really picture your life like this…i don’t know, it makes me really humbled and comforted knowing that each person is really in my life for a reason. it makes me appreciate everyone, even those i fight with or generally don’t like. it makes me realize that other people’s mistakes truly are displayed and interpreted to me so that i can learn from them.
so i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if you don’t like me or if i don’t like you.
i’m sorry if we’ve drifted, for whatever reason. but we’re each simply playing a role in each other’s lives. without me in yours or yours in mine- who knows what would be missing in your autobiography. a sentence…paragraph… page…chapter?
i have to pee really bad but want to finish this in one wind- they’re always better that way. i’m incredibly pleased with my story right now. my life is at that point of just absolute satisfaction. see you all soon- whether it’s home in california or back in new york. thanks for being in my life.
p.s. i hope you’re in for more than a chapter. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. for everyone else reading this…you’ll see the change when I come home. i’ve never been this happy, and i owe basically all of it to berkeley. this is it- what i thought i would never be capable of. fall in love. <3
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
question of the night.
how can i be so good at giving advice, but so bad at applying it to my own life?
valerinooo: cus you're the one that showed me that love is possible
i thought college would really change things. have i changed at all?
valerinooo: cus you're the one that showed me that love is possible
i thought college would really change things. have i changed at all?
Monday, September 29, 2008
the best therapy.
1.I’ll never be able to thank you enough for telling me to come to NY.
2.I don’t know you, but I am so so so sorry.
3.I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive you for how you judged me. My one goal now is to ensure you’re never ever ever right.
4.It was exactly two years on September 23. Did you even remember?
5.You never call.
6.I’m tired of listening to the problems that you have, only because you created them for yourself and you’re not the least bit willing to be involved in fixing them. Really, grow a pair.
7.Why do you have a girlfriend?! Maybe it’s better that way…I haven’t liked someone this much in a seriously long time.
8.I wonder if you have an inch of good in you. Or if everything you said was just total crap.
9.Please be my soulmate. Hahaha no but really.
10.She doesn’t want you! And you’re not funny.
11.Who knew my other half would be from some crazy east coast little town and have a wicked crazy accent? One word: hmm!
12.Stop judging me!!!! Actually, I could care less. Haha.
13.Thank god for webcams. I couldn’t live without seeing your face. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I value your opinion so much. I’m so glad we’re okay with being 3000 miles apart.
14.Its guys like you who ruin it for everyone. If I ever see you again, I’ll punch you.
15.If you didn’t act like such an asshole, you could have anyone you wanted.
16.Do you know that everyone I know thinks you’re a giant whore? It’s sad that we’ve only been here a month and you’ve already gotten the worst reputation.
17.If you were an ounce cuter, I’d be soooooooooo down. You’re like the funniest person I’ve ever met.
18.I only pretend to not know how you really feel.
19.Please get married. You’re like the cutest thing ever.
20.Why do I miss you so much? We didn’t even talk before I left. Are you still bitter or do you just not care?
21.I want to like you, but there’s nothing there. And you were fun until last night.
22.I’m being serious. I’m the biggest bitch you know. Give up!
23.I miss our good talks. Giving you advice always made me feel like I have a better grip on life than I really do. I’ll never forget that night we sat in the park and talked for hours. Hmm, I miss you. You almost cried when I left, and it meant so much to me.
24.If you really did get cancer, I’d be devastated. Please stop while you can…
25.If you weren’t so clingy, you’d have way more friends.
26.You disgust me, and I hope during basketball season karma knocks you over.
27.I think you know all my secrets and you judge me. Really though, I can’t blame you.
28.I thought I was going to hate you, but it turns out you’re going to be one of my best friends. Thanks for proving me wrong.
29.We peaked.
2.I don’t know you, but I am so so so sorry.
3.I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive you for how you judged me. My one goal now is to ensure you’re never ever ever right.
4.It was exactly two years on September 23. Did you even remember?
5.You never call.
6.I’m tired of listening to the problems that you have, only because you created them for yourself and you’re not the least bit willing to be involved in fixing them. Really, grow a pair.
7.Why do you have a girlfriend?! Maybe it’s better that way…I haven’t liked someone this much in a seriously long time.
8.I wonder if you have an inch of good in you. Or if everything you said was just total crap.
9.Please be my soulmate. Hahaha no but really.
10.She doesn’t want you! And you’re not funny.
11.Who knew my other half would be from some crazy east coast little town and have a wicked crazy accent? One word: hmm!
12.Stop judging me!!!! Actually, I could care less. Haha.
13.Thank god for webcams. I couldn’t live without seeing your face. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I value your opinion so much. I’m so glad we’re okay with being 3000 miles apart.
14.Its guys like you who ruin it for everyone. If I ever see you again, I’ll punch you.
15.If you didn’t act like such an asshole, you could have anyone you wanted.
16.Do you know that everyone I know thinks you’re a giant whore? It’s sad that we’ve only been here a month and you’ve already gotten the worst reputation.
17.If you were an ounce cuter, I’d be soooooooooo down. You’re like the funniest person I’ve ever met.
18.I only pretend to not know how you really feel.
19.Please get married. You’re like the cutest thing ever.
20.Why do I miss you so much? We didn’t even talk before I left. Are you still bitter or do you just not care?
21.I want to like you, but there’s nothing there. And you were fun until last night.
22.I’m being serious. I’m the biggest bitch you know. Give up!
23.I miss our good talks. Giving you advice always made me feel like I have a better grip on life than I really do. I’ll never forget that night we sat in the park and talked for hours. Hmm, I miss you. You almost cried when I left, and it meant so much to me.
24.If you really did get cancer, I’d be devastated. Please stop while you can…
25.If you weren’t so clingy, you’d have way more friends.
26.You disgust me, and I hope during basketball season karma knocks you over.
27.I think you know all my secrets and you judge me. Really though, I can’t blame you.
28.I thought I was going to hate you, but it turns out you’re going to be one of my best friends. Thanks for proving me wrong.
29.We peaked.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
dear california,
i feel like i owe you an explanation.
so many people from home are saying,
"i'm worried about you...."
here's my train of thought when this phrase comes up.
first i think of chessie's saying- "i'm a grown ass woman! i do what i want!" but let's be real...i may live on my own, but i'm not really a grown ass woman. i do do what i want...and i fully realize i don't make the best decisions.
but you don't need to worry. i like that you worry, because it means you care...but i don't know how to explain myself because in my mind, i'm completely justified.
don't worry about me, california. we keep each other in check here . i have 3 mommies and they have me. i'll survive.
with love,
miss "stay out until 4 am"
dear california,
i miss you so much.
there's days where i feel like i can't stay here anymore. i want to come home. i want to see your faces.
christmas break is too far away.
i miss grilled cheese from in-n-out, hot cheetos, spitting seeds, the beach, seeing the sun for extended periods of time, hooker hunting, being in cars, kiis fm, mexican food, marble slab, friends, my dog, my bed, familiar faces...
i hope you're right how i need you to be when i come home to you, california.
with love,
miss homesick
dear california,
i'm happy here, i really am.
i don't feel like i'm learning that much in school..except for maybe psychology.
but life? learning oodles.
like the way leaves change color during fall,
and the words yo and mad.
like how deja vu is a big lie,
and the fastest ways to get rid of hickeys.
like self control,
and how to not die while in the south bronx.
like how to walk everywhere i need to go,
and that the best comfort food is top ramen.
it's funny when all the tall buildings in manhattan make me lose any bits of homesickness i've ever had.
oh yes, this is definitely the place i'm meant to be.
california, don't forget about me. but don't wait for me either. i like it too much here to leave.
with love,
carmen.
so many people from home are saying,
"i'm worried about you...."
here's my train of thought when this phrase comes up.
first i think of chessie's saying- "i'm a grown ass woman! i do what i want!" but let's be real...i may live on my own, but i'm not really a grown ass woman. i do do what i want...and i fully realize i don't make the best decisions.
but you don't need to worry. i like that you worry, because it means you care...but i don't know how to explain myself because in my mind, i'm completely justified.
don't worry about me, california. we keep each other in check here . i have 3 mommies and they have me. i'll survive.
with love,
miss "stay out until 4 am"
dear california,
i miss you so much.
there's days where i feel like i can't stay here anymore. i want to come home. i want to see your faces.
christmas break is too far away.
i miss grilled cheese from in-n-out, hot cheetos, spitting seeds, the beach, seeing the sun for extended periods of time, hooker hunting, being in cars, kiis fm, mexican food, marble slab, friends, my dog, my bed, familiar faces...
i hope you're right how i need you to be when i come home to you, california.
with love,
miss homesick
dear california,
i'm happy here, i really am.
i don't feel like i'm learning that much in school..except for maybe psychology.
but life? learning oodles.
like the way leaves change color during fall,
and the words yo and mad.
like how deja vu is a big lie,
and the fastest ways to get rid of hickeys.
like self control,
and how to not die while in the south bronx.
like how to walk everywhere i need to go,
and that the best comfort food is top ramen.
it's funny when all the tall buildings in manhattan make me lose any bits of homesickness i've ever had.
oh yes, this is definitely the place i'm meant to be.
california, don't forget about me. but don't wait for me either. i like it too much here to leave.
with love,
carmen.
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