to b:

I know you have it hard sometimes,
Don't let the bad things rule your life.
Sit back and watch your life take flight,
You're just so young,
You have the time, the time

Thanks for being here my friend
Here with me, 'til the very end of time,
We're gonna do this one together.

-yellow birds & coalmines, the scene aesthetic.










i can't even express how thankful i am for you.

ironies of life.

the title was originally where do i even begin?
but then i realized, i'm writing about an ending. yeah, a beginning too, one that i'm so insanely ecstatic for. there's just these little things that are stringing me away from my happiness. that was irony number one.

i don't know if this is irony, mostly because i'm tired and sad and excited and nothing really makes sense. but i thought this summer was going to be sooo different. it makes me so sad to see the 3 of them without me, even though i guess i don't really belong. i feel like no matter how hard i would try, they still don't want me as a part of that anymore. it's so weird to think that my intentions for things that have happened come across so differently than i intend them too. like i think i'm protecting someone, and helping them, and i sort of break other friendships because of it. i miss the four of us, and i see that i'm replaced. it doesn't bother me most of the time.

i think that happens a lot. my intentions reading as bitchiness. should i just flat out be a bitch, and only cover my own ass? people don't see how much i hurt. i choose to hide it, i guess, so maybe it's really all my fault. but i'm pretty sure i can count like a dozen people who i've gone out of my way to help and then just read that as leading them on, or breaking their heart, or being a giant bitch.

but back to the ironies.

so i thought this summer would be full of adventures, parties, excitement. it's my last chance with my best friends to get everything i wanted to do here done. but i've found myself much happier spending somewhat quiet nights with my best friend. we don't have to get dressed up, go out, etc. i miss out on stuff but i'm pretty much totally okay with it. i'll have so much time in new york to do all of that, with the new friends i make. but there's still some of me that wants these crazy memories from this summer. i don't want to look back and be like, wait...what did i do that summer? there's things i totally want to try but i'm running out of time.

another irony. there's days where i sit at home, sleep in late, do nothing all day because everyone else already has plans. it makes me want to leave. but then there's days where it's back to back activities, where im freaking out because i want to do it all.

i think this ramble is making less sense as time goes on.i apologize if you're actually choosing to read this...haha.

i miss cody so much. like...fuck. he called me and it was seriously so amazing, but i didn't know what to say. i'm not allowed to tell him i miss him, but i don't want to make him think i don't. i don't even know anymore, it's all so confusing.

i wonder a lot about who i'm actually going to talk to after i leave. who's gonna make an effort? i'm totally down to...but there's no way i'm going to try harder than you. it won't be worth it.

i think i'm afraid of changing so much that when i get back i'm totally imcompatible with all the people i love here. how much do i want to stay the same, though? that's what college is about, finding you and changing and molding and shaping the rest of your life. fuck i'm excited.

i can't remember the rest of my ironies. there were too many to hold in at once.


ps. you know what's funny? i had no idea that so many people read this. it makes me feel wanted in a creepy, satisfying way. as if these rambles actually made sense to someone else. ha. who am i kidding.
but really, thank you for listening.

eye for an eye.

24 days until i leave. 24 statements.

1. you've made such a big impact on things here. i'm sad i didn't really notice that until you were gone. just know that there's so many people here who love you. you two will be fine, i know it. you are an amazing person inside and out and i'm really glad i got to know you.
2. it took all the strength in the world to not say what i wanted to tell you. i miss you so much. hopefully i'll let you know that.
3. i'm finally ready to listen to your advice- i am listening to your advice. but i think it's too late. i feel like you don't care that much.
4. i wish i could tell you. i know it's better not to. i miss you more than you could ever know. but you'll never ever know.
5. i honestly can't imagine my life without you, and if we drift apart once i leave, i don't know what i'm going to do. you're the best best bestest friend i could ever ask for. i fucking love everything about you.
6. i don't know what it is about you, but you've got me insanely interested.
7. i'm secretly glad you didn't pass.
8. i wish you knew how much you were hurting him, although i know a lot of it is his tendency to overanalyze. you could change your ways...it's not that hard.
9. ....you smell really bad but i don't think anyone's ever had the heart to tell you.
10. please don't break up.
11. your secret is the one secret i think i've literally never ever ever told anyone in my whole entire life. i'll never forget how much you telling me that meant to me. i don't think you'll know this is about you. while i'm at it, you inspire me so much..you have so much potential and your words carry such importance in my life.
12. if i wasn't leaving, i would totally date you! hahah.
13. it feels good that i don't miss you. i knew i didn't need you.
14. you're the best kisser i've ever kissed. who would have known.
15. i will always be here for you, and i hope 3000 miles won't end the amazing friendship we have. you're so much younger but i never even realize it when we hang out or talk.
16. you're so alike me it's kind of scary. i just hope you can look at my mistakes and learn from them, because i can see where youre headed, but i know you have to figure it out for yourself. but the answer is yes, choose him. give it a shot.
17. your work ethic makes me lose a LOT of respect for you. stop using it as an excuse.
18. everything you said to me about making this count was a bunch of crap. ha, wow. i should have seen it but i didn't. i'm not mad, just disappointed. you have a lot of wasted potential.
19. i kinda didn't believe you, but once i saw the proof...wow. i admire you so much- you're so strong and you're such a good person. i just wish you weren't a drama queen...but you'll be okay.
20. please please please tell me that was not a date!
21. we should totally become like best friends!
22. i like how you all hung out without me. if you really don't like me...can't you just tell me? hahah wow. people like you make me so glad i'm going to new york.
23. please don't turn into the whore you're totally capable of being. cmon, you could do so much better. we talked about this. you know it's wrong. you're young but not that young.
24. you're a total creep. hahahah but really.


this is the ultimate countdown,
3 weeks till i leave.
1 week until i'm LEGAL!

the older i get,

the more i believe in my incapability to sustain a relationship.



i wish i could write poetry, i think it would feel so much more meaningful than my incoherent rambles.


i think i'll start trying.