equivalent to an a-bomb.

i think too much. i'm starting to think more than raghav, and if you know raghav....


i'm trying my best to put my thoughts into words, so you'll have to bear with me if it's not totally coherent.

i've realized that i've come to a point in my life where i just want to have fun. no strings attached, even though i'm drowning in strings at the moment. i'm so indecisive that i can't stick to one person. besides the fears i have of being with only one.

i'm not even only talking about boys here. i mean, is it better to have 1 best friend or 10? i'd love if the world worked to that i only needed one best friend, but, unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that one person cannot satisfy your every need. and that's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. i need more than one person in my life, and i can't feel like i have to choose one over the other all the time. i'd love to have 10 best friends that i spent equal amounts of time with.

okay now i'm talking about boys. how could you desire to just want one person, and not be tempted by the rest? it doesn't even matter if you ACT on these temptations. i should mention here that i have zero self control when it comes to this. i don't usually act on temptations, but i can't stop myself from having them. i can't stay tied down to one person because the last thing in the world i want is to feel restricted. I'M FREE. now why doesn't the rest of the world understand that?

it's pretty clear at this point that i'm heartless. i have emotions, yes, lots of them. but i've lost the ability to read these emotions for what they're worth. i can't tell the distinction between "just friends" and something more. i don't know what i want until it's long, long gone. this is a horrible, horrible cycle. i mean, how many times am i gonna repeat this before karma catches up to me? and at this point, heartless as i am, my perspective is pretty selfless. my thoughts are dominated by what will hurt him LEAST, because i know it's my nature and it's my heartless actions to hurt him.

this heartlessness is what i can't get off my mind. i'm so self-destructive, which is obviously a problem. but the bigger problem is that i'm not only hurting me. i'm hurting him, whoever him may be... i'm hurting them time after time. i'm addicted to the cycle, as much as i hate it. i'm destructive beyond belief.


how many times do i have to warn you?