the bucket list.

honestly one of the best movies i've seen in a while. it really affected me, and at first i couldn't figure out why. i decided i would make my own "bucket list." i know i have a long time (well, i would hope) before i die..so i kind of modified what i want to do.

i want to thank all the people who've affected me in indescribable ways. my whole life is honestly due to so many people and the way they've treated me- good or bad. there's so many people i owe my happiness and success to.

i wish i could thank you all, right now. it's my goal to do that for you before i leave.

i can't believe the day is here

he's gone. he's gone.

i'm trying to repeat it so it'll fully sink in. fully sink in that today could have been the last time i'll ever see him. i wish i had made it more memorable, but i guess it was memorable in the sense that it felt nothing has changed between us. through all the changes, moves, heartbreaks, arguements, distance...we sat and played rock band as if we had all the time in the world.

it started to really hit me on the walk home. my sandal crunched on some leaves and i looked up at him- his skinny, scrawny, super tall physique, and i realized that this was the last time i would ever see him like that. last time we'll ever hang out in the summertime, living around the corner from each other.

i miss him already.

and as tears were streaming down my cheeks, pressed against his too short shirt and his awkward body, i felt so destructed but so comforted. there's no one like him. no one. i don't know what i'm gonna do without him.

it's funny that i say that. because really, he's not constantly here. we don't talk every day, i don't see him for weeks or months at a time. but he's always...just around the block. it's that comfort, knowing he's there. since i met him he's had these plans...but they've never felt alive or remotely near. and now they're here...they're in the moment and they're soooo tangible. and i don't have anything to say?

i can't believe the day is here. i can't believe this was my last chance to say everything i should have said, and i just cried, as if my tears would hold my words in small bubbles and release them for him to understand. i can't believe things aren't always gonna be the same. i can't believe this is the first time i really feel like i'm getting old, growing up.

our last hug was the first time he'd ever felt nervous about leaving. our last hug, our last goodbye. is it for now or forever?

i wrote this on my arm

to remember to write it down.


“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
–Walt Disney











keep moving forward.

i'm writing

not necessarily because i have something to say...well i do...but i'm writing because i need to document these days. i want to hold these memories...but i don't really know what to do with them because they're not affecting me in the way i know they should be.

well that's misleading. i am being affected. crying, the like. but it hasn't hit me. i'm afraid it won't hit me until i'm on the plane to new york...and by that time it'll be too late to fix anything i want to. i mean, here's my chance, my last few days...and i forget to take my camera out of my bag and take pictures.

i need proof!!!

i need proof that i've had an amazing time in high school, despite all the drama and cliques and stress. i need proof that these people will stay in my life, and if they don't, i need proof that they did once exist. i need proof that you like me. i need proof that i'll be okay in new york. i need proof that i won't forget all these people, these memories, these times. i need proof.

memories that only exist in your head fade. they don't necessarily lose importance or value, but more vivid and recent memories fill their place and they're soon forgotten. i don't want that to be me. i want to sit here, 4 years from now, graduating from college, and know exactly the way i felt about the people i love today. there's so many of you. i wish i could explain in words how hard i know this is going to be. because unlike most of you, i really do have to say goodbye. 3000 miles will seperate us and things CANT be exactly the same as they are now. that's what makes it hard, too. all my best friends (not ALL, just most) are staying here. i'm slightly jealous...not that they'll be hanging out every day or anything..but it's just the comfort of having someone close.

back to my original thought. i want to record these memories. so they don't fade. so they stay as bright, vivid, and meaningful as they are now.
tonight was senior sunset. it was an amazing night, despite my not feeling good and the horrible bus driver. open mic was truly incredible. so much of what you all said is so right, so true. so alive.

jillian said it perfectly. (not verbatim...) "...i don't know why i made the decision to go 3000 miles away from the most amazing people in the world, but i did." and like jillian, i don't regret choosing st. johns. i think its what i need, what i want, and what's best. it's just that date when i have to say goodbye that scares me. i'm afraid of getting left in the dark. being somewhat forgotten. coming back and no longer fitting in. but i AM going. things ARE going to change, and i'm mostly okay with that.

so many other people had such wonderful, insightful, and amazing things to say. vincent always is a favorite of mine. jenelle's was dead on and kelee's so true. anabel, stunning. rebekah, beautiful. chuck & ivan's...deep and thoroughly enjoyable.

and the time i spent with people. catching up with abel, reminiscing with curt, the bus ride with brenda. to name a few. it's all so surreal, and i'm waiting for it to hit me. there's so many words i could use to describe sunset. but i'll leave it at this.

senior sunset? unforgettable.