moment of truth?

________:cuz u seem like the chick
________:that changes guys like clothes




am i that obvious?

equivalent to an a-bomb.

i think too much. i'm starting to think more than raghav, and if you know raghav....


i'm trying my best to put my thoughts into words, so you'll have to bear with me if it's not totally coherent.

i've realized that i've come to a point in my life where i just want to have fun. no strings attached, even though i'm drowning in strings at the moment. i'm so indecisive that i can't stick to one person. besides the fears i have of being with only one.

i'm not even only talking about boys here. i mean, is it better to have 1 best friend or 10? i'd love if the world worked to that i only needed one best friend, but, unfortunately, i've come to the conclusion that one person cannot satisfy your every need. and that's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. i need more than one person in my life, and i can't feel like i have to choose one over the other all the time. i'd love to have 10 best friends that i spent equal amounts of time with.

okay now i'm talking about boys. how could you desire to just want one person, and not be tempted by the rest? it doesn't even matter if you ACT on these temptations. i should mention here that i have zero self control when it comes to this. i don't usually act on temptations, but i can't stop myself from having them. i can't stay tied down to one person because the last thing in the world i want is to feel restricted. I'M FREE. now why doesn't the rest of the world understand that?

it's pretty clear at this point that i'm heartless. i have emotions, yes, lots of them. but i've lost the ability to read these emotions for what they're worth. i can't tell the distinction between "just friends" and something more. i don't know what i want until it's long, long gone. this is a horrible, horrible cycle. i mean, how many times am i gonna repeat this before karma catches up to me? and at this point, heartless as i am, my perspective is pretty selfless. my thoughts are dominated by what will hurt him LEAST, because i know it's my nature and it's my heartless actions to hurt him.

this heartlessness is what i can't get off my mind. i'm so self-destructive, which is obviously a problem. but the bigger problem is that i'm not only hurting me. i'm hurting him, whoever him may be... i'm hurting them time after time. i'm addicted to the cycle, as much as i hate it. i'm destructive beyond belief.


how many times do i have to warn you?

spring break!

i decided to journal my break. just to remember.
(it's not for you, i'm too selfish.)


friday: brenda takes me home. i love riding in her car with the top down. haha. i get home, go shopping with my mom for a little bit. got a pair of shorts. i get home, and cody's in my house. gives me a letter. i get ready for my job interview and then we drive to westminster. i get the job!!!! go back home, read the letter... don't really feel like doing anything after that. i go to bed pretty early.

saturday: wake up, do chores. boring stuff. then i walk to cody's. it was weird since i don't normally walk around my neighborhood. plus my phone was playing music and people were sort of staring... i get there, sit down. play computer games with austin. watch titanic with cody. watch marine tributes on youtube. he walks me home, and we talk alot about the marines. i'll post a whole blog about that later... anyway, then my sister and her boyfriend come to visit. we go to this crazy good restaurant called tokyo wako...kinda like beni hana's i guess. super tasty, i'd love to go there for prom. get home from that, go to bed right away. food coma!

sunday: wake up as my sister and her boyfriend and ronnie leave for legoland. i'm lazy, turn on my computer, sort of apply for scholarships all day. at like 2 i started cleaning and decorating my room with more picture frames i got. don't shower and get dressed till like 6. sister and company come back, we go to eat at katella deli. my dad wanted pofolks and i wanted chipolte. haha. katella deli was good though, i love playing with ruth's iphone. lucky butt! so then we go back home and i go online, watch some top model. ernie calls and i go to hang out with him. we see enchanted. good movie! talk online until all hours of the night...i'm not tired.

monday: woke up, ate a really good bagel from katella deli. then i go online...and talk to people. you know, destroy lives, the usual. haha aww. finally get ready for work like 2 minutes before i'm supposed to leave. go to work. i love talking and not working. after work i get home and i'm immediately bored. so i go to april's house. we talk and wait for brenda. brenda comes, we can't decide what to do. brenda wants cookie dough so we drive to ralph's. we get there and don't end up getting cookie dough. decide we want to go bowling. we go to april's, get socks and drinks, then bowling. super fun! there was a really cute boy...we first thought he was gay, then his girlfriend showed up...haha. brenda takes me home and we sit outside talking for a while. get inside, go online. go to bed.

tuesday: wake up, ate a bowl of granola. go online. super unproductive but oh well. get ready for work at the last minute again. work sucks balls when fun people aren't there. stupid fat girls are NO fun. anyway, i get off work kinda late. go to target with my mom to get stuff for gs. i see tiger gatorade. hahah. and i get this 60 pack of gum. mmm. get home. go back online. kind of a boring day... boo. i was supposed to see rocket summer but that didn't happen. =[

wednesday: wake up. clean room, do crap. go online for a little. then work. not as painful as tuesday, but not fun. get off like right on time. eat in the car. i hate gnocchi. or whatever that's called. looks like cockroaches haha. go to my meeting. it's eh. leave my meeting and go to april's. they're in the car waiting for me. valerie has to be home early, so we just drive around and do nothing, then sit in her driveway and talk. she leaves. me brenda and april go to the gas station. adventure, of course. then we go see doomsday. OKAY, BEST MOVIE EVER! hahaha we leave and want to start a rebellion/ kill the world. put the top down, and we drive...blasting music, dancing. i love being a senior. then hooker hunting! we find two. then we complete the night by getting mcdonalds and going home.

thursday: so me and april don't wake up until like 11. then we stay in bed until like 330, watching re runs of old shows. anabel calls and we go to downtown disney. jamba juice. the lego store. libby liu. fun fun. we go back to april's. i get picked up a little later. i really want to do something cuz i'm already bored after being home for like 10 minutes. i get the laptop taken away. =[ i call melinda, she comes over. we watch juno (my 5th time seeing it =]) and talk until like 130. sleep time.

friday: get up, slowly get ready. like at 12 we take melinda home. my mom says i can get my ears pierced, but we're making other stops first. so we do a bunch of stuff. i get two new dresses and a pair of gray skinny jeans. text all day long. my mom changes her mind and i don't get my ears pierced. ruins my mood. get home, go on the computer.

...and the week continues.

first impressions.

this weekend has been one of the most fun i've ever had.
also extremely eye-opening on where i stand in life.


for friday night. first impressions. i never thought about how extremely important they are. i mean, okay. don't lie about your age, about you life. that seems obvious. but besides that, i really underestimated the fact that an amazing opportunity may present itself to you, and your first impression will determine if the door opens or closes.

i'm pretty sure i slammed the door shut.


for saturday. besides having a horribly guilty conscience, i reflected on the previous night and the people i spent it with. one, i fucking love you all. my best friends are the shit. but my amazing friday night reinforced my hesistance to go to new york for college. it's not that i'm worried i'll never talk to these girls again, but it's that i'm making the best memories with them, and i feel like our time is going to get cut short. the last thing i want to do is go to ny and then regret it. in the same token, though, i would hate to stay here and wish i had chosen new york.

this is where i really start to hate my indeciveness.

then i realized while talking to kelee that my motives for choosing between schools are a little out of perspective. because what i deeply want is for a new experience, life changing and something that will set me up for the future i want. but then on the surface, i contradict myself because i'm afraid to start absolutely completely over. i want a new chance, don't get me wrong. but as i realized friday night, i can be horrible at first impressions. if and when i go to new york, there won't be anyone there that knows the "real" me. and i'll have to start from scratch.

first impressions have never seemed so important.








speaking of which, interview tomorrow for anaheim youth of the year.

holiday parade

is seriously the best band ever!

wow.
these lyrics are beyond captivating.

favorite of the moment: hope dies last.
Make a wish tonight
Take me back to the nights of last summer
I come by 'round 9
I couldn't help but wonder
What's wrong, what's right?

You're falling hard, and you're taking me under
Baby, it's our time
And baby, it's our time

I know they always say,
True love's gotta set her free.
And maybe I'll get lucky,
She'll come flyin' back to me.

When you walk right by,
You're falling hard, and you're takin' me under.
I can't help but try
Things I miss keep haunting my mind.

Gimme a sign,
I swear I'm gonna make it up to you.
Just one more night,
There's some things I just got to do.

And in watching all the things you do
There's something that slips through to you
Watching all the things you do
There's something that slips through

The things I miss ain’t coming back
There’s some things that just cannot stay
The things I miss ain’t coming back
There’s some things that just cannot change
I’ll let it go…

how do i put a song on my blog?
boooo haha.

here's an update.

colleges been accepted to:
ST JOHNS.
san marcos.
san fran state.
san jose state.
csu chico.
uc riverside.

colleges been rejected from:
san diego state.
uc davis.
uc santa cruz.
uc santa barbara.
cal poly san luis obispo.





ps. 3 months, 1 week, and 2 days until we graduate from high school.

!!!!!

at what point

does a non-committed relationship BECOME a relationship?

i think it's where you get to a point,
when you can't just say "let's be friends",
with no questions asked.

i mean, if there's questions, then there's obviously something deeper and more substantial underneath the surface.

a relationship isn't definied as a title of commitment. it's an act, right?

so then, by definition, a relationship doesn't have to be official or have that title. what's the difference between a "boyfriend" and just...going with what's happening?






so,
what are you getting yourself into?

sleepy time.

thanks for letting me lay in your room being depressed.

rock of love and you was just what i needed.

=]



ps. im strangely excited for college shopping. i can't stop thinking about getting satin bed sheets. =] haha