mid air ramblings.

“i’m sorry that i hurt your heart but that’s just the part that you’re playing in my autobiography.” – shwayze.

could there be a quote more aligned to me than this? it’s been so long since i posted a blog because i haven’t been able to put my feelings into words. (P.S. he’s a genius. by far one of my favorite musicians.)

it’s successful- i’ve made it. i’ve finished my first semester of college in new york. although they didn’t say it out loud, it’s not hard to see that people didn’t think i could make it. not only have I just finished one semester…i’ve become a new carmen. i know i keep posting blogs about this- about my changes as a person, but to be really honest, my changes have come to such a nirvana and high point that i really really couldn’t be any happier in life.

i have the best friends I could ask for. i have a boyfriend i’m truly falling for, something many people know is a huge step for me. it’s the first time in my life i really feel like i’m growing up, and although i depend on my friends for support and advice, i know i could do things on my own.

so as i’m sitting on the plane back to california, i am nothing but excited for the next month. fuck yeah, i’m gonna miss meagan and chessie and all the other girls. i’m gonna miss the long island accents (but it’ll be a nice break.) i’m gonna feel weird taking cars everywhere i go. it’s gonna be crazy to hang with berkeley and marymary on the opposite coast.

but back to the quote. thinking on the plane, i realized that all this time i’ve been waiting to change or to feel differently has been just another part of my life. it can’t happen all of a sudden because then it wouldn’t flow in a story. if i were to write an autobiography, i know who would guest star. i know who’s heart i would break, which friends would be shown dropping out of my life, and all the people who’ve stopped and truly cared about me. i don’t know, i don’t think i thank the people in my life enough. in my autobiography, you won’t be forgotten. the girls, the boys, the bosses and the teachers- they’d all play a part, big or small. every single person in my life has a part to play- and i’m playing a part in everyone else’s. if you really picture your life like this…i don’t know, it makes me really humbled and comforted knowing that each person is really in my life for a reason. it makes me appreciate everyone, even those i fight with or generally don’t like. it makes me realize that other people’s mistakes truly are displayed and interpreted to me so that i can learn from them.

so i’m sorry if i hurt you. i’m sorry if you don’t like me or if i don’t like you.
i’m sorry if we’ve drifted, for whatever reason. but we’re each simply playing a role in each other’s lives. without me in yours or yours in mine- who knows what would be missing in your autobiography. a sentence…paragraph… page…chapter?

i have to pee really bad but want to finish this in one wind- they’re always better that way. i’m incredibly pleased with my story right now. my life is at that point of just absolute satisfaction. see you all soon- whether it’s home in california or back in new york. thanks for being in my life.




p.s. i hope you’re in for more than a chapter. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. for everyone else reading this…you’ll see the change when I come home. i’ve never been this happy, and i owe basically all of it to berkeley. this is it- what i thought i would never be capable of. fall in love. <3