"keep me signed in for two weeks unless i sign out...."

my two weeks were up today, and when i filled in my password to yahoo email i realized it's gonna be the last time i do it on this computer.

yeah. exactly two weeks until i leave (considering it's now sunday).

it's little things like that, though, that remind me of the reality.
in fact, when i think about, it's always the little things.

my party today didn't make me realize that i might not see some of those people before i leave. it didn't make new york seem any significant amount closer. valerie's card did , though, with the poem on the front...made me tear up and realize things won't ever be the same.

i've been meaning to talk about work. i fucking love that job. troy and mer are seriously...how do i explain them...my inspiration. if i could choose parents to be like, it's them. i don't even know. it's little things like the email she sent me of the kids...i'm gonna miss. there's so few days...

it's little things like online conversations with harris, claire...and so many other people. will those stop after i leave? fuck, i hope not.

on a new topic, it's the little things that make me happy. valerie's card, familiar hugs, text messages, deep conversations, getting ready for work, falling for troy's stupid jokes, giving free cookies to little kids, sleepovers, letters from cody...

things like those make me forget all the bad stuff. the things that make me so frustrated, angry, sad.

things like...not getting any presents from my parents on my birthday or being forgotten by people i care about or cody being so far away or doing dishes at work when troy puts on sad music. things that make me cry and things that make me think harder than i really want to.

but the bad moments being written over by all the good ones...that's what i'm focusing on. it's weird, putting on my mascara yesterday getting ready for work...i just looked in the mirror and realized there's not enough time in my life to be bitter and angry and "hating" life...although i never actually hate it, just the way i always threaten to punch people but never do (haha). and of course, today, that didn't stop me from getting super annoyed at my mom for trivial things, but then i closed my eyes for 5 seconds and just thought about how few days i have left here...

keep me signed in until i sign out. this may be stretching it...but it sounds like a pretty good analogy to all my friends. i don't have the energy to go into depth...i'm sure you get it.


ps. i need to think of a clever goodbye. i'm tempted to gossip girl this shit...
xoxo,
CARMEN! <3
(hahaha)